i never asked him about his christmas or birthday. but i feel like it would have been wrong to do so.

politeness counts.

today as the last day before the holiday, he did the usual and spoke to me to wish me a nice new year. i was kind of surprised, even though he does it. 

i was a little confused as to why he he came to ask me if i was coming in tomorrow - when he knows i won't. he did ask me if im doing anything & i did tell him that everyone bailed on me. he chuckled. i asked him the same and he told me nothing as well.

after that small convo i realized i was confused and i IMed him and let him know that he wouldnt be alone, to which he let me know that it was just he was alone last week. i told him that he and the other coworker had gotten a day off each lol but he ignored that. he instead told me that he hoped he could leave early and that it would be busy. 

then i had finally told him and my other coworker goodnight and happy new year. 

i guess it was simple but its always nice to know that people are just plain polite. even if its just being polite for the sake of being polite.

nothing done.

 he hasn't spoken to me in 2 days. i dont get it - do i really have to be the one to initiate conversation? i'm not interested in this. im not into doing all the work.

why are people so annoying???? 

what to do, what to do.

didn't talk to him today. had no reason to. had no excuse to. he didn't talk to me either.

what the fuck man.

this hasn't been neglected.

to be honest i've just been trying to focus more on myself and not on my problems, especially him.

i say hi to him everyday. i work with him once in a while when it calls for it. but i'm trying my best not to be attached, or do anything that would make me more attracted to him than what i am already.

i have to remind myself on a daily basis that i don't need to know the answers to everything.
everything happens for a reason.
i let God take care of all my worries because he has a plan, which is perfect.

he talked to me today.

i am so surprised, he actually talked to me today and all on his own. i didn't say anything to him, and he was the one who initiated conversation. twice.

at first it was in the morning i was simply going to say hello as i did yesterday and instead he said it to me first with a smile. i was so surprised. he was so willing. i don't know what to make of it to be honest.

then it was when i was leaving. i had said goodbye to everyone minus him simply because he was too far and i didn't want to waste any more time there. he was still at the computer but i saw him reach for his book bag. then as i left to wait for the elevator, he caught up to me ; he was waiting there as well for the elevator. i smiled at him and he said "me leaving with you means i'm leaving early today." and i simply replied jokingly that i must be leaving late --- since he always leaves 10 minutes after me.

and in the elevator he said my name and walked out as a goodbye. so so so surprised. i will say, my heart fluttered. i didn't intend it to, but it did. i don't know how this change came, i don't know what it means i have no idea anymore. but i really didn't expect any of that. i don't know what any of this means, and i'm only praying to God that he takes care of it because he is the one who knows.

he talked to me, and smiled at me. i only did that for one day. i am so confused.

to be fair, a lot of people talked to me and it's surprising.

another good day.

to be honest, i felt so pretty and happy today. i didn't expect to be so happy or feeling so pretty. but my makeup looked nice, my hair looked nice, my skin looked nice and i looked pretty decent in my outfit today.

also i was nice, i made an effort to talk to people and be nice and respond back. i guess making an effort pays off sometimes. lol.
but i was happy and still am. i want to continue to be so.

it was a good day.

i thank God for everything he has done for me & know that i took that with me today at work. i was happy, content and just not worried about anything that may take place. 

even more, i made the bold move of saying hello and holding eye contact.

im no good with eye contact, and im

no good at holding conversations but i tried. i just want to act normal around him - not be rude or disrespectful. 

just hello, no conversation. nothing less nothing more.

touch.

today the lord touched me in a powerful way. through my spirit. when i least expected it i had been filled to the brim with God's touch and i felt like my heart was going to explode. i wasn't expecting it in anyway. it was completely unplanned and was not strictly my emotions. i dont know how to explain it, but i know it was God. i cried, i jumped but most of all i felt like i was shaken to the core. it was like a physical reminder that God's presence in my life has never left ; that i should always trust even when i don't feel it. i should always magnify God and never let anyone or anything be bigger than God. 

i asked the Lord for a sign to let me know if he had a simple purpose (just passing through in my life) or a real purpose (perhaps friendship or more), but to be honest i didn't get either. i got a sign that God is with me always, and even though i never doubted it, i know he let me through my spirit and my flesh that he is with me everywhere. His glory is always splendid and he is always with me.

k.

still waiting on that sign. 

i had to run out of work. i wish i could talk to someone about this but only for someone spirtually can explain to me why this could possibly be taking place to me.

im so sad. & im sad about so many things. i just want to crawl into my bed and die (metaphorically). i dont want to deal with any of this. i dont want to deal with my unstable, incomprehenable feelings. i dont want to deal with question of why ME? I dont want to feel pathetic for feeling like this. i dont want to feel anything. i was having a great day --- i dont need to fall in the hole of "greatest

mysteries of life: why the fuck do i like him?" i dont. im so over myself.

no matter what my strange feelings want, i decided that i can't just be cold or ignorant or avoiding him. i don't think i'm being any of those things, but just in case i am saying at least hello or goodbye. it's the minimum i can do.

i won't try to hold his attention, have a conversation, or even have eye contact. i think just a few seconds of saying something will be good enough.

it's always in the back of mind: did he purposely stop talking to me? and i say "he" because i never initiated conversation, and never will (i'm not that type of person). but he always spoke to me and even after the two fiascos, he had no problem speaking to me again.

but i can say now it's been about 2 months since we've had a conversation, and i know this because i remember feeling super awkward around him when it was going to be W.We would be in the same room but i had nothing to say to him so i didn't. in fact, i just didn't look at him, i just minded my own business.

of course now, it's different. i've gone through some highs and lows on this. and i'm still trying to deal with my emotions no matter how irrational they are to be honest.

trying to lose weight - trying to do what i can to be healthy. i actually ate fruit today, which i do maybe every two weeks. i will eat one fruit at least once every, single day. i need to try harder. i know that if i eat better i can definitely lose weight and help my acne as well. :)

memory.

i remember a couple of months ago telling myself that i wish i had a crush so i could have something within the male/romance/love/dating whatever fucking thing it can be called, realm. i remember thinking how pathetic i was that i didn't have anybody after me or me after anyone or anything. literally anything for months. i don't count getting hit on.

but now that i have a crush, i'm just dealing with it. i was sad, mad, angry, confused, nervous, pitiful, embarrassed, humiliated, rushing, hoping, unworthy, disappointed and so many other emotions that i haven't experienced for a long time.

i am just dealing with it and understanding the statement "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it."

I prayed to God that he takes all of this into his own hands. I cast my anxiety on him because i know he cares for me. I am happy. I am content. I trust Him all the way.

shocked.

Wednesday was a normal day. I didn't talk much to anybody, keeping conversation at a minimum. I did my work, walked around a lot and went out for lunch. I had to go to the other lunch room since there was an event taking place in the original one (AKA where he was always seated at with his friends). When I went to the other lunch room I saw him and his friends and I also saw that the place was pretty filled, and I minded my own business. I felt his presence and I didn't like that feeling. I've already explained my strange feelings concerning him and I being in the same room like that. Anyways, lunch was fine until the end. I left a bit early to be able to wash my hands at the bathroom before I had to head back to my desk, and as I was walking back, I accidentally bumped into him. All I could say was "I'm sorry" and he only mumbled "excuse me" and we both walked away. my heart wasn't beating or feeling tight or any of those sensations that I've felt before around him. I was glad. For the rest of the day it was normal ; we got busy all of a sudden and then right at the end of the shift was the shock.

It was 5pm, when I was supposed to leave and I realized that two of my coworkers had been worried about something so I went to see if I could be of any assistance. While we were talking, I knew he was still working, but he got up (I wasn't paying attention, I was really concentrating on what my coworker was saying), walked past me, held my arm and said "Have a happy thanksgiving Sarah". Immediately, without even thinking about anything else for even one second, I simply looked over to him and said "happy thanksgiving."

I looked at my two coworkers and they had a surprised face, I'm sure I did too but they continued to speak to me as if nothing had happened. It took me a while, and I mean a while to fully understand what had happened because I couldn't react. I don't want anyone to know anything about my feelings and he had caught me completely off guard.

First of all, he didn't look at me when he said that. Or at least I don't think so. I was talking to my coworkers and I had not expected him to even speak to me, I thought he was just passing by as he usually does. So maybe he could have been looking at me? and i just didn't take notice? I only heard him and felt him touch my arm for the two seconds that he was speaking to me. honestly, more than the words he said to me, (since we haven't spoken in about two weeks) was the fact that he touched me. He does not touch me. at all. and if he has to touch me it is because i'm physically in the way of his vision. but this time, he touched me on my upper arm, he didn't have to and he touched me where my other co workers would see that. like, he didn't hide it. at all. to be fair, it was all very quick and brief. he didn't even wait until i was alone, he just did it in front of my other coworkers. i was so glad that i didn't blush or jump. or at least i hope i didn't. he totally caught me off guard.

to be honest, i don't know what that means. i really don't want to make it a big deal, but i guess, in a pathetic, my life-is-boring kind of way, it is a big deal. only because i don't have men touch me. i really don't. besides nice older men at my church who say hello or goodbye to me, i don't have any other contact. my dad is awesome, and i give him hugs, but i mean nothing out of that. i don't have men touch me. i don't know what would make him want to touch me? or do that in front of other people? or talk to me? why? after two weeks why? i would like answers to all these questions but to be honest, they are not important. i doubt they are. i can't let my feelings increase, or get the best of me. i don't want to be one of those girls trying to dissect every action of their interest ; i can't afford that. but i guess i am curious as to why would he break the ice and even go as far as to touch me?

really. more than the talking, it was the touch that shocked me the most. he never ever ever ever touches and he wouldn't dare to do so just because. also, the top of my arm, and it wasn't a pat. it wasn't like one of those one second pats, it was there for three seconds. he held my arm. and the position was so strange, because he held me as he was leaving....he was walking away. i don't know what to think of it, just the fact that wow, he talked to me and touched me. he didn't have to do any of that to be honest. he didn't have to. maybe he was feeling bad for me or pity for me. maybe he thought it rude not to wish me a good holiday.

well. there. at least, i wrote about it and it's over.

i hate this crush.

i just want to get over it. i'm actually kind of sad.
how do i get rid of this God?

although i still like him, and i still get nervous around him, im really understanding that theres no point in trying to be his friend or positive co-worker because theres always that possibility that shit may take place again and i almost promised myself i would avoid that.

update.

its been about a week and half since ive talked to him. a part of me worries that if i keep avoiding him or just not saying hi it. could be potentially harmful career wise. a larger part of me says who the fuck cares? because we dont even work together on anything, nothing, not even to pass messages. because maybe he feels the same way as i do (theres no point in talking to me). also, if he felt weird about it he could say hi too. im not obligated to give any conversation to anyone to be honest. 

i remember months ago, when i first started, he would come by my desk and jokingly say "what? you don't say hi to me anymore?" i never knew what that meant. if he thought that i should initate conversations with him more, but thats not in my character and im not interested in going beyond what i have to do for someone irrelevant like him

realization.

my pills were ruining my emotions, so now i know why i was such a smudgey mess for two weeks. also, i got my period again since i got off the pill two days ago. i dont need them ; never did & it didnt even do its job so whatever.

honestly its annoying to see that i left that lunch room so i could eat in peace and instead he comes to the other lunch room. it was perfect that i was done cause i couldnt believe out of all the places that he could of went he and that girl had to go near me. like, really? was that necessary? im not mad but like: really. really. im like doing my best to left alone not see him or anyone for that matter and instead hes next to me. i know the lunch room is being used so everyone is coming here. not his fault. but still annoyed. 

he doesn't fucking drive. that is so fucking lame. i want a grown ass man who can take the wheel. i see men now who have families and cant drive- its really heart breaking to see how these wives cant depend on their spouses. more: he says he wants kids-- how does he expect to get his kids to where they need to? im sorry but thats a fucking dub. thats all i see when i hear him now. like, you a grown ass man, you should hold a job, have an apartment & drive your fucking car.

although i was doing work and watching some spanish comedy, i did hear some of the conversation that he had with other coworkers. all about "perceptions" and "masks". honestly, i tried to understand what was being said but then i realized how stupid it was to even care about someone else's conversation. like,

its not about me its not for me, why arent you minding your own business? 

im not trying to be mean or cold or distant but i find it so much more easier to just be left alone and whatever.

its absolutely crazy how he makes me uncomfortable in that room.

or how i can't concentrate on my own activities. i try my best to ignore him and whoever else is there.

or how aware, how much i am aware of his existance, his presence in that small room.

it makes so sad.

it makes me so sad when i'm mean to my parents.
it makes me so sad when my words hurt other people.
it makes me so sad when i see other people hurting and being completely helpless.
it makes me so sad when i know things are still the same.
it makes me so sad knowing that i don't do my best.
it makes me so sad understanding that my insecurities can get the best of me sometimes.

my knee hurts.

i tried sitting in the cafeteria but i was so uncomfortable, i had to leave. 

i just want to get over this. 

uncomfortable.

my pants dont fit me and i just got these weeks ago. i have to lose weight.

even though i still like him there's a part of me that honestly doesn't give a fuck about him. he's truly ugly,  he doesn't drive and he has a girlfriend. he also doesn't like me ; he finds me weird and strange which isn't what i want my future husband to think of me. i fucking hate this.

i sat in the cafeteria though ; im trying to remind myself that theres nothing wrong. there is nothing wrong with sitting in the same room as him.

i honestly wish that i didnt have these feelings....

like they are so useless. for what good is it to like someone?? why is it that im having so much trouble with this crush? i never had these issues before. never.

ever. i didnt see them enough to feel like something was wrong or uncomfortable.

he has a girlfriend, just reminded again. i just need to get over this. and i will.

coming to terms.

my breasts are ugly. they're small and they sag. i have huge areolas and the nipples are south. i know they're ugly. i am very insecure about them and i've always been. i try my best to hide them away in whatever i can (unless i'm home i don't care) and i would never want anyone to see them. i try my best not to let my sister or mom even see them because i know what faces they make. i get it. i really do. i'm not pretending.

i hope to God that a man doesn't care about them. i really hope so. i really really really hope that if he is repulsed, to at least pretend he is happy and keep his comments to himself. i wonder why i didn't get ever get just ok breasts. not big, not small, just no drooping or even smaller areolas. just normal. but i don't want to question the Lord, because that's the way he made me.

and i've been coming to terms with them lately. i have bought a bralette in hopes to see the positive of my breasts. i am young. they're not wrinkly. they don't have any scars or pimples on them. i'm still a B cup. thank God i don't have breast cancer. I have two of them. I can wear a bra. they are part of my womanhood and being a female and all that feminine stuff. some man will put up with it if he really loves me. i can sleep on my stomach. i don't need a big bra. i don't have back pain. men look me in the face when i speak to them.

the braille is pretty and it's for girls who have a small pair. i don't know if a B is small and i don't know if sagging breasts makes them smaller, but i bought a bralette. i love the way it looks on me, i don't have the guts to wear it to work, but i do wear it on the weekends and i feel free. i'm thinking about buying some unlined ones, just to see what it would look like. i want to feel beautiful regardless of what i think. i deserve to feel beautiful just as any woman should.

i don't have push up bras ; they make me feel fake, stupid and betraying. i would never want to lead anyone into thinking that i have large perky breasts when i sure do not. i feel uncomfortable with any bra that isn't my size and that doesn't cover me.

i'm trying to come to terms with my breasts. it's not easy but i think it can be done.

the dreams continue. im ashamed. the only way i can not be more attracted to him is by thinking about all the negative things that have passed us. the way he made me angry. his words, his actions. the way he responded to me after i tell him off. it may not be the right way (ive prayed to God and gave him the problem) but this helps me too. it also keeps me in reality because obviously he and i would not be a good couple if things start off in the wrong way. none of those things are desirable in a relationship, therefore it keeps me from thinking about the slight possibility of it working out. he's not right for me. i will not pursue it. he doesnt like me. he is in a relationship. im getting over it. 

i was told that im always smiling and laughing but i know that im not. im actually too serious. 

i wish i had a guy best friend. not a boyfriend. just a best friend. 

dressing.

i go back and forth on the kind of clothing or "style" i want in my life.

i used to wear sweatpants to work -- especially if they were cute but i stopped. i work in a office so i can't. now i wear cute loungpants that are similar to sweatpants on the weekends. i don't even care about what i wear on the weekends, it's almost pathetic. i just want to be comfortable and cute. whatever keeps my stomach from looking like flab makes me happy. i've been buying victoria secret apparel lately, which are not work appropriate but who gives a shit? i feel cute. i feel happy. and i'll continue to do so as long as i'm feeling like this. i have no reason to buy really nice casual clothes (jeans, silk or expensive material shirts) or any shit like that because i already do that for the weekdays.

i just want to be comfortable but not nasty like to others. and i refuse to embarrass myself.

i'm not mad anymore. but i'm not doing anymore favors. she doesn't appreciate anything i do for her, so why should i even make an effort to make her happy? i'm over it.

im so mad. i dont care if im upset because im irrational or because im emotional. the least you could have done is say thank you. instead i get an attitude. yes, i ripped the paper up. i tend to make bad short term decisions when im upset. 

sad again.

I've been taking these birth control pills for about a month and yet, my acne is still present. i'm going to have to try a different kind in order to get this right. i am so sad. i have never been this ugly before and i just want this to go away. i really do.

Ive been taking these pills for almost a month and i still have this acne. Im so disappointed. I thought that the cold weather would get rid of this, but it didn't. Instead, my acne seems to be getting worse - its spreading from my forehead to other places in my face.

My Faith.

Last night I felt like God was talking to me and I got the motivation I need. I know that the Lord has everything in control. I have given this issue to Him and I have asked Him to do whatever it is that He needs to do, to do his will. I don't want my messy, irrational, unexplainable feelings to get in the way of His will. His will is perfect, his plan is better than mines. I may want something now and not even know why I want it, but I do know that God is more than me. He gives me strength each and every day. The preacher made it clear that God's glory is all around us ; when we go to the mirror and look we see God's great creation. & that made me so happy. The preacher said that even though we go through things, God knows why and God is always with us. 

It gave me so much happiness, so much relief, so much security to know that the Lord knows why I am having these feelings, why I want to hide from Him, why I want to hide from my feelings, why I feel so inadequate, why I feel so insecure, why I feel like I'll never find anyone to be in a loving, committed, Christ-like relationship, why I feel like I'm just never good enough. But God used the preacher to show me that Christ believes I'm good enough because he created me. Even the preacher mentioned that no matter if I'm thinking about my future spouse or my job. Which are for me, enough though he didn't know that. 

God is so good. God has everything in control and I just want God to know that he can do whatever it is he needs to do, in order to have His will done. 

I know that this man isn't what I expected to like, at all. And I know that God doesn't make mistakes. I plan on not trying to figure out why I am attracted to this man, that's up to God. I just want God to do his will and give me strength every single day to do what is right. I want God to let me know that I'm on the right track, and not let me look like a fool. Give me strength, courage, wisdom so that I can do what His will is. 

k.

i said goodbye and he said "goodbye NAME".  i did look him in the face, right in the eyes, smiled and moved away quickly. i had to say goodbye simply because we were going to bump into each other and i said it quickly without looking at him. i don't know why i looked at him in the eyes, i shouldn't have done that. i don't like doing that to myself.

but i did, and even though it was momentarily, he was very quiet and he said my name. i didn't say his name, i was saying it in general. but he said it very nicely, i shouldn't have noticed it. at all. i wish i didn't care about that shit, but i did. i really do though. since we were going to bump into each other, after we exchanged words, he let me go first with a bow. to be completely fair, i said goodbye first. i didn't want to be absolutely rude. it was all too quick. but anyways, i just want to forget about it. in a way, i do.

i'm just glad that work is over. i was moody all week and still emotional. and even though he spoke to me, it doesn't change anything. i need to let things to be, i need to continue to pray to God. God has all the answers, and even if i don't understand anything, he does.

Be logical.

I didnt go to the caferteria today. And its not about him anymore, its about me. I just need to get over this and myself. I cant sit there without being uncomfortable. And now that i know he has a girlfriend, it only gives me more reason to get over this. 

I will admit ive never actually tried to get over a crush before. Never. Its hard. 

Still annoyed. Still bloated. Still overemotional. Im just happy that this day is ending. Also good thing that two people made my day today.

He has a girlfriend.

Now i have good reason to let this fucking go.

overwhelmed.

i'm really overwhelmed with my emotions at this point. i couldn't sit at the lunch table and just relax. i felt that uncomfortable, and more: i was getting angry. the girl he was sitting next to - i don't like her. she's not nice and she's always complaining about something. i don't want to assume its jealously, i'm not jealous of her. she has nothing that i want, but the sheer fact that both of them were talking and talking shit out of nowhere about people from my country was beyond maddening. i was trying my best not to leave , simply because i didn't feel like it was my responsibility or job to be afraid and just go. i should have the right to feel comfortable wherever i want regardless of who is sitting there.

but like i mentioned previously in my posts, i had been feeling uncomfortable. and now i know for sure its not some stupid fucking sexual tension, it's the tension you get when you just had an argument with someone and you have to see them. it's that kind. the kind where things are bad and now awkward because you have to share space with them. and both of you know its not good but there's nothing you can do about it. the only difference between that scenario and mine, is that i don't know if he feels the same tension as i do. does he feel like there's something wrong? does he feel like things are awkward? because i sure as hell do, and at this point i don't care if he does. it bothers me, and because i felt so uncomfortable with him there, that girl talking shit, being annoyed, mad, couldn't concretrate on reading my cool book. I LEFT.

i just got right up in the middle of their conversation and fucking left. i don't know if they noticed, i don't know if they care, i don't fucking know. i don't know if any of this makes any sense, but i have never had to deal with something like this in my entire life. this is really new to me. i hope to God that this is not what i will be dealing with daily at the workplace. i cannot. this isn't fair. i haven't done anything to anyone. 

i was having a good day, i really was. i wasn't feel tense or unsure all day. maybe just not feeling cool since i woke up 30 minutes late. but besides that, i felt fine. i felt in control of my emotions and my thoughts. i was thanking God for everything he had done in my life and proclaiming good things. 

but i felt sitting there in that lunch table, just really ruined my day. and i was mad at that too. not him or her. but at the simple fact that they had the power to do that to me. i don't know where that power came from, i don't allow them to do that. it took me by complete surprise. when i was sitting there, i realized that i really can't sit there anymore. i really can't. i can't have my lunch break  -- the only time of day for myself -- to be ruined because of some stupid ass unexplained tension that i feel when that man is near me. 

i know it's beyond pathetic, but i don't want to keep suffering. the only good thing that came out of this was the simple fact that i could explain what the tension was like: it definitely wasn't sexual tension. i don't even know why in the world i thought it could be sexual tension, i could be losing my mind since i am so oblivious and naive in shit like that. but it definitely is not, it's just an uncomfortable "i don't like you and you don't like me but we have to deal with it" kind. 

and the pathetic part? we haven't spoken a word to each other. this isn't like we had a fight. this isn't like we had exchanged ugly glares. i can't even look at his face at this point. it makes me SO fucking uncomfortable. actually, i don't even look above his shoulders. i don't look in his direction at work. i don't look. and he has marked his own territory. he sits in the same spot everyday. clearly, he isn't going to do anything different. maybe he won't because HE DOESN'T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING DIFFERENT. maybe i'm the one whose fucking insane at this point. i'm the one who feels uncomfortable, I'm the one whose angry and agitated and uncomfortable for reasons that cannot be explained.

i am so pathetic.

I was sitting in the room with him and his friend and i honestly cant stand it. Its not about jealously, its just that its really uncomfortable for me to be around him now. I dont even know why. I cant explain it. But now im uncomfortable and annoyed. I had to go, i hope noone noticed.

Sad.

I thought about him all weekend.

He creeped into my every day thoughts, my scenes, my dreams at night. And yet i dont understand why. I had to convince myself that i shouldnt search his name to find his social media accounts. I am honesty so pathetic. I keep thinking about all the things he said that i dont understand. Im debating if i should work christmas eve just so i spend time with him. Why would i even take that into consideration? especially when he doesnt have feelings like i do. I am so pathetic. Ive started praying to God about my future husband and i havent received any word or feeling or revelation that he is it. I want God to lead me to someone who he thinks is right for me. Not on my damm emotions which carelessly disregard my logic and reality. I want to be with someone who likes me, and cares about me - and shows it in the right way. 

This is what makes me sad. 

I want everyone to go home and leave this home the fuck alone. 

Fuck this.

So close to playing investigator and trying to find his instagram or facebook. I heard him tell someone he has an instagram.

I knew he had facebook but ive never been the type to be sneaky and try to find shit. What is with me? 

Tbh, ive done it with my other co workers.... 

But i know if i do it with him, i will stalk him. And i dont want to become that.

In the process of avoiding a man who clearly likes me and avoiding a man who i like for unknown stupid reasons. 

My situation makes me sad. My insecurities make me sad. I shouldnt be sad. I shouldnt be thinking about him. I dont like anything about him. I dont like his looks, personality, voice or background. When he does talk to me he sounds bored. If im around him, i feel nervous and tense. I dont want him to go away; hes great at what he does. We dont need to talk. I just need to get over myself. 

Today another girl was there so it wasn't as bad as it was before. But its weird. And unfortunately im aware of him completely, and i dont want to feel like that but i do. Its making me sad more than anythinh else and its terrible. It must be that obvious because a woman came up to me who i never talk to and asked me if i was ok. She was so sweet and said that i could talk to her anytime. She said it again in front of my boss whic was surprising. 

Jumbled thoughts.

He doesn't have much conversation with me, which i get and which is what i want, but i can't help wonder why. Is it possible that he can sense something is going on? He doesn't hang around me or talk to me for any necessary reason.

Things are becoming weird, but not for him, for me. Today was the first time i actually found myself feeling uncomfortable because we both sit in the same cafeteria and we sit literally feet away from each other. I'm completely aware of his existance and it's kind of frightening. I don't know how to describe it. I think he feels the same way too after what happened today. I was in the lunch room alone and when he came in he was looking for a place to sit and he didn't see me.  When he noticed me he immediately moved away. I didnt make any eye contact but it was so obvious. I felt so bad at the same time because i dont want him to feel unwelcome. Thats not what i want, at all. I dont know why but just being around him is causing me discomfort.

The only time we speak is to say hello and i say it because were so close to each other that it would be just plain rude to stay quiet. I don't want us to be friends but not enemies either. I dont know how to feel or make myself not feel discomfort.

I will admit that i fear that he will sense the tension as well.


Or im just overthinking everything.

Too much socialization. Too many emotions. Too much to do. Too much to eat. Too much to lose.

I thought about him today. I'm really disappointed about thinking about him. I don't want to think about him during my weekends. I'm starting to get mad at myself. He was in my dream again too.
Why am i so pathetic? Why do i think about him when i dont want to? Why is it that he is the first thing that i think about in the morning. Not just disappointed, just plain sad to be honest.

friday.

it was a great day and i got a lot of things accomplished which always makes me happy. usually, i know what i'll be doing for the day but i do know that sometimes things just come up and they have to be taken care of first.

i will admit, i'm curious as to why he left so early. he came in after me but left about an hour earlier than i did. i didn't see him at lunch, going to assume that he did have a lot of work to do and would probably leave early since he had no break. in any case, it was kinda shocking and more that he didn't even say goodbye to anyone. he always says good night to those around him but i think he was in a rush just to leave to be honest. he didn't talk to me the whole day, but that wasn't personal or surprising. we don't talk every day, as our job descriptions don't require us to anyways. when we did have the chance to talk, we didn't. i never initiate conversation of course and probably will not. (to keep myself from catching more feelings.)

back to good, positive stuff:

i finally got to talk to my teammates about my whole no-official-position deal and i am confident that my higher up will help me concerning this. she made it clear that it was her first priority when she returns back to work on Tuesday and also she told straight up that I've been doing an amazing job - in general. she told me that i was prolific when it came to coming up with content and being consistent. even though it was totally unnecessary for her to praise me, i truly appreciated it. so she was really awesome by asking me what it is what i wanted for my position title but was also completely honest and realistic by indicating that she may not get answers soon or directly to me. and i understood that and i appreciated her telling me the truth.  my other coworker, who happened to be in the same position as i was about a year ago, was also super helpful by telling me what it was that he went through and how the process was for him. he also was the one who told me to ask my higher up for help which was key. he's so helpful when it comes to things.

I am wondering why he called me a good girl after he found out why i returned some money i found on the floor. Is that a bad thing?

Today was really interesting

MI dont know why but the two hours before my lunch break always mean im kinda. Its been like this for a while and i dont know how to change that.

Before i went to lunch he made some jokes about me not having my hat. He said he was going to take my picture lol it was funny. 

But then during my lunch time, we actually spoke. He went in the elevator with me to get lunch, which has never happened. He said "youre always laughing, which isnt normal." He was laughing himself. I told him i dont care and with a smile he said "i know you dont." Then he said "but the thing is that you dont wanna share the jokes." 

And i explained laughing that i cant translate all of that, it wont make sense. And he said i could just tell him what it says. 

Then when i came in to sit down in the cafeteria to watch some comedy, i really was laughing out loud to one specific episode to which another co worker noticed. I didnt even realize he was standing over me and when i did he said "i just really wanna know how funny this is." And i tell him laughing that i cant explain because its in spanish and that its  majorly cultural. Thats when he started asking me questions about what it was and my culture. 

It was actually interesting because hes never asked me about myself and im not one to talk about myself. I usually keep to myself but to hear someone asking me questions is just out of the ordinary. He said he just wanted me to tell him what it was for the first 2 minutes. 

It was all very surprising. Actual conversations and during lunch.

Mornings.

I prayed last night. Not holy on my knees sophisicated language. I talked to God last night and gave him all the glory for the amazing things he's done in my life.

I told him all of my worries and insecurities. I felt so happy and relieved to know that the Lord has everything in control and he permits things to happen for a specific reason.

Good day.

He didn't talk to me at all today. I wonder why. Not that i should care or that anything bad should come out of it. 

To be fair, i didn't say hi either. I don't initate conversation. I wore my cat hat, and i kinda expected him to say something since he finds it funny. But i know im expecting too much. 

My best friend told me that a man is never just nice to you. And i totally believe her. 

Good day.

I wore my bear hat and people loved it. Im surprised. Especially with him, since he noticed it first. I will admit that i even forgot half of what he said, but i mean he was nice to me. I just remember him definitely asking me "where is my robber hat?" Which is about my black hat, that he called last week. 

Then i told him it was a cat and he laughed. I also told him that i have a bear hat today and he laughed. He asked me to see it and when i showed him he nodded as well because i told him that it was a good deal at forever 21. 

After that he left and he came back saying "i should just stay here and take your picture....?" I forgot what the second part was, all i know is that i was telling him not to take my picture and saying "no no no". Lol we were both laughing i cant stand pictures its true. I dont remember why he said that.

Then i remember a part of me telling him "not to take a picture because he would use it against me". I know it didnt sound nice but to be fair i dont see anything good from him having a picture of me. 

I also remember him mentioning that it would be like when they took the picture of me for an event we had a few months ago. 

Then as i was leaving he saw me with my hat and started laughing. He took his phone as a joke and i ran away saying"dont, im not photogenic". He laughed like crazy.

Good morning

God is goos. Jesus is always with me. Today is going to be an amazing day with lots of blessings. Proclaiming the good and giving no power to the bad.

Productive post.

I dont wanna think about him when im not around him. 

Reasons why "us" wouldnt work:

1. Were coworkers. Our team would be very affected and so would our performance. Awkward for the other two on our team. Also if it thats awkward one of us would have to leave and i would hate to make any unnecessary changes. 

2. He's not a christian. I really don't want to be in a relationship or marriage with someone who doesnt understand my love, committment or dedication to Jesus. 

3. He's not of the same race as me. Even though my family is very accepting of the idea of me being with a man whose different, the reality may not be what they want. I usually am accepting of the idea that a man is mixed or different race, but for some reason the reality of it makes me uneasy. Maybe its because there's a whole new culture to take into consideration. 

4. He is 15 years older than me. This isnt as scary to me as it is to other women. Im used to my parents 12 years difference, who have been married for 23 years.Also the guys i have gotten involved with before have always been older. And im always attracted to older men -- from celebrities to real life (brad pitt, chris hemsworth, denzel washington,Jamie camil, my history professor). In fact, i know now that my dad wouldn't care if i dated a man his own age as he confirmed to me today. Surprising but nice to know that my dad is only concerned that the man has his own life, and has the resources to take care of me --- age is nothing after that.

Back to the negative: he will age much quicker because he's already middle aged. I still have 15 years before i hit his age. That could be a turn off later on. He also almost always mention me being young or a "college kid" or refers to himself as a old person to me. Whenever were making a joke, for some reason, he always says "why cause im old?" So he already thinks of himself like that, even though ive told him no. I know that the age would be a much bigger problem to him than me. 

5. We've already have had two altercations. He's crossed personal boundaries and i havent been exactly nice to him about it afterwards. The situation makes me super careful about what i say to him and how i say it in order to avoid problems. 

6. To this day, i can't figure out out why i am even attracted to him. Why is it that he makes my heart beat 10 times faster when he is around me. Why is that i always am looking up or around when i think he's near me. Why. He is not physically attractive at all. His personality isn't anything special. He's smart but nothing that would blow my mind. I don't know why and to be honest, that scares me. If i can't figure out why im attracted to him then i honestly feel like we may not be compatible at all. And if we have no similar interests, hobbies, beliefs, then what would hold us together? 

I know for sure that i will not, will not pursue anything. Nothing at all. It is not worth it. I will not risk my job, comfort, relationship with Jesus for anything. 

I don't know what is going to happen concerning this, i just know that im leaving in God's hands. 

I thought about him all weekend.

Fuck. 

Museum.

Im so happy im at the museum and i love it. Also alone which i dont mind at all.

Night thoughts.

I see on instagram frequently that men want a woman who doesn't sleep around, smart, hard working, not a gold digger. I know this isn't a bad list; i know i have those qualities but i also know that i am not physically what they want. It's hard to feel good about myself when society has impossible standards. I know God has someone for me, someone great but i still feel the very real unrealistic expectations of a good, loyal woman.

Feeling better.

The hard heart beating and butterflies haven't left yet but i wasn't taken back when i did bump into him. 

Today was good.

No problems with mom or dad. 

Gave sister her bday gift which she loved. 

No problem at work. I talked to him today and it was totally fine.

God is so good.

I prayed so hard and trusted in God with my whole heart for this no-boss situation. And He answered me: no hiring someone from the outside. They're going to give the responsibility to someone whom ive known and is a good person. He has his own office so i won't be bothered at all. My co-worker even told me that business goes on as usual and nothing will be changing. Really happy. Jesus is good when we put ourselves to him. I have to just submit my fears, worries, everything negative to him because he said that we can.  

Matthew 11:28-30New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

another woman.

I think he likes her, and if she likes him back that would be even better. That way i can go over this. 

He talks to her frequently and they have a similar passion in sports, which i am not into at all. She's not ugly, slim with multiple piercings and tattoos. 

I won't bash her. There is absolutely nothing bad to say about her. Shes very nice and she dresses cool.

Maybe they can get together and if they do, i would be honestly happy for them both.

I understand that he doesn't like me now. It took me a while to accept it. I just literally thought: if im spending hours at night googling ways to tell if a man is interested in me, then he doesn't like me. I would be able to catch that at some point in honesty. I also felt extremely pathetic about it. I've never had a boyfriend, i have no experience and i cant for the life of me tell when a man is remotely interested in me.

Im so bad at it. All of my friends tell me that and i know that my dad and sister believe it too. I once made a comment that men don't care about butts, and they literally just looked at me as if i was insane.

But in any case, i know and most importantly accept that he is not in the least bit interested in me. Which is good. so i dont feel the minimum compelled to even attempt to say anything or make him my friend.

Still doing a great job.

I don't want to give him the cold shoulder. But i don't want to give unnecessary attention. I only said hi to him today so that's good and that was only because he was in my space and it would have been plain rude had i not said anything. 

It is so strange. 

Crushes.

Now that i think about it, my crushes have never seen a type. I just remembered how i had a small crush on matt and he wasn't attractive either. I guess i surprise myself too since i dont find myself liking what i think i like in my head. If anything im kinda mindblown, cause i dont have a type seriously. I can like any kind of guy and never realized it. 

Im happy. Im feeling better. My outfit is nice. My hair is nice. My makeup is nice too. Feeling pretty.

Excited.

I finally got to speak with a nutritionist / dietian. She gave me an example of the foods that i can eat in order to lose weight. Also she told me to track down everything that i eat so i can do better. & more i will be downloading the app she recommended to keep track of what i consume. I told 20 pounds is what i gained since my throat issues became present, so we will work with that. I know it won't be easy but i know if i stick to it for more than 2 weeks that means that the worst part is over. Please Lord give me strength to do what i have to do. 

I really want to be healthy and also get rid of the uncomfortable fat that is on my body. Seriously, physical discomfort is not something i want to deal with. 

Patience.

I definitely think im come a long way when it comes to my patience. I don't argue with others as much ; i let them say what they want to say. I try not to be angry: it doesnt go anywhere good anyways. I dont mind waiting longer for things ( like doctors appts). I used to get mad or anxious if i didnt get what i wanted in a short amount of time. I don't let strangers attitudes get to me and/or i dont respond back when theyre not on their best behavior. 

I still think im a long way until i get to where i want to. My peers and family have informed me that i am getting much better. My sister has even gone as fair as to say that i'm much more patient than she is, which is a big deal to me. 

I thank Jesus for that because it wasn't for prayer and comfort i don't think i would be as tolerant as i am now. I know that things aren't fair but i do know that theres nothing to do in most cases but take control of yourself. 

I still pray to God for patience, maturity, love, forgiveness and for self control. I want to continue to grow as a better person not someone whose constantly struggling.

Today was good with him.

We actually had a conversation for more than a minute.

It's interesting how we always change conversation - we never stay on one topic when we do talk for a while. 

Lol it really was amusing though how he was entertained when i gave him that piece of paper with the days i have off.

according to him, i have more days off and he's very surprised. Now he's going to plan his days off based on what i gave him. Lmao. 

The whole paper thing was a joke but in the end he really did want it lol so he could plan the rest of this year out. I did tell him seriously though that i won't print anymore personal info for him. He laughed his head off. 

But on a serious note i wonder why the other two didn't tell him that i was taking my day off tomorrow. I thought they did. What harm could go into that? I do notice that when he's not here i am not informed either so its just because we don't need to know. 

Although he did make it clear today that i should let him know that im not going to be present so at least he can prepare to do some of my workload. 

I was truly surprised that we even talked. Whenever i think were going to have a conversation we dont. But im not even thinking about it, he wants to. The only reason why we did was because the other two weren't there. I hope that i didn't say anything or do anything that could be potentially bad. Im thinking it over and don't see anything, but i do overthink all the time. 

As long as we can converse in a good manner as such today then were good. But i am praying consistently that God gives me wisedom and knowledge around him so i dont make myself a fool or let him suspect my feelings.

i'm in pain.

yes, it is that special time of the month for me. and i am in pain. discomfort. but i'm making it. sorry.

Boring.

I realize that i am kind of boring but i think it stems from the fact that i have no vices that people look for in me. Or the fact that i'm not into shocking others. But i don't mind, i'm happy and that's all that matters. 

Its so refreshing when my dad talks to me about the things of God. He's always good at that. 

I haven't worn a bun in 3 weeks, but today i didn't & i loved it.

Pretty simple.

No makeup no contacts no heels no fancy dressing. Just me. & i feel pretty

Despite my ugly faults and neglience God loves me.

Ive been talking to him about my problems lately. Over analyzing my issues and not asking him to answer one question. Its important to know that you dont need to know everything.

Blah.

Found nothing interesting.

- you care about them

- you are worried about them

- they are important to you

Whatever. 

Embarrased.

this is now the second dream this man has appeared in. we were hugging. Im going to do research as to why im having dreams about certain people now

high and low.

i know that i'm getting my period soon because my emotions are kinda wacked out. i don't believe wacked is word but i don't care. i'm thinking about it today and i think it's weird that my coworker, who unfortunately, i am attracted to, didn't say anything to me.

even my other one, who i barely talk to, made conversation with me and was nice enough to wish me a well weekend since monday is columbus day. like, am i taking this too fucking personal? why couldn't he just say goodnight. i mean i did see him talking to someone else, but i honestly refuse to initiate any conversation. i know me initiating the convo will only lead me to want more about him and i am doing my very best (practically perfect) at not talking to him on a daily basis.

even though i don't want to talk to him and do anything, (since it is bad for me), i guess i'm kinda bummed out that my other two coworkers, who are the team, were kind enough to say goodbye and wish me a well weekend.

i'm not even saying that they have to, because they don't. there are times where i literally rush my way out of work without saying a word to anyone. and that wasn't the case today, i actually was going to go over to their desks and tell each of them goodnight. but that wasn't the case. and it's kinda like "what is the issue with you saying goodnight?"

what the hell is wrong with me. there is so much wrong with me. i don't want to be near him and yet i do.

too many highs and lows.

kinda nervous for tomorrow.

i have my first gyn appointment tomorrow. to be fair, it is time. i guess my concern is that i'll end up being uncomfortable for the rest of the day. also i don't want to get up so freaking early to go to my appointment. 10:45am. that's early for saturday.

Serious petition.

God please take over my useless, empty, dead love life. I want to be with someone who you want me to be with.

Logically happy. Emotionally sad.

Not once did he talk to me today. I know that when we do talk it's not like we have any deep or necesarily deep conversations, but he always says hi and some joke. Unfortunately, jokes are the majority of things associated with our conversations. But still, he didn't even say hi. 

I'm happy because nothing happened. He didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He didn't tell me anything that would make me mad or happy.  Considering our past ugly conversations, i'm glad that he understands that it would be best to keep a distance from me. It wouldn't end well and i totally aware and happy with that. 

I'm sad because l'm still a stupid human being whose feelings say that you are attracted to me and imagine how great it would be if you could actually talk to him. I still don't understand why i would want his attention. In a way i do want him to say hi but for what?? 

Although part of me is sad i know this is for the best and that i cannot afford any issues. None. I am not risking anything for someone who i still don't understand why i am attracted to in the first place. 

Oh well. At least i know that God is making his moves and listening to my petitions. He knows i want no troubles, and if keeping him away is the answer then let it be. 

Why.

Why is it that these people refuse to give me an appointment? I just want it and that's it. I don't want to keep taking days off for this bullshitz

i'm praying.

i'm praying that this crush goes away. i don't even know why i'm attracted to him.

he's not handsome at all. he's bald with glasses. not the guy i was thinking.

his personality isn't anything special. he's not mysterious, or quiet, or funny, or sweet, or kind.
he's a regular man. he is super friendly and liked by everyone but that doesn't mean shit.

he doesn't treat me any different than he would for another person. we work together.

why would anyone be attracted to someone for no damn reason???

informal introduction & disclosure.

I decided to create this blog:

to throw all the trash, nonsense, stupidity, curious & mindless thoughts / ideas / feelings onto the internet.

This is not:

to create an informative campaign

to teach anyone anything

to make anyone happy or upright

to keep me busy

to entertain anybody 

to say that i have a blog

No. this blog is created to throw my mind onto paper. 

I had a diary and journal when i was younger, but it was found out and read out loud and i am forever scarred.