overwhelmed.

i'm really overwhelmed with my emotions at this point. i couldn't sit at the lunch table and just relax. i felt that uncomfortable, and more: i was getting angry. the girl he was sitting next to - i don't like her. she's not nice and she's always complaining about something. i don't want to assume its jealously, i'm not jealous of her. she has nothing that i want, but the sheer fact that both of them were talking and talking shit out of nowhere about people from my country was beyond maddening. i was trying my best not to leave , simply because i didn't feel like it was my responsibility or job to be afraid and just go. i should have the right to feel comfortable wherever i want regardless of who is sitting there.

but like i mentioned previously in my posts, i had been feeling uncomfortable. and now i know for sure its not some stupid fucking sexual tension, it's the tension you get when you just had an argument with someone and you have to see them. it's that kind. the kind where things are bad and now awkward because you have to share space with them. and both of you know its not good but there's nothing you can do about it. the only difference between that scenario and mine, is that i don't know if he feels the same tension as i do. does he feel like there's something wrong? does he feel like things are awkward? because i sure as hell do, and at this point i don't care if he does. it bothers me, and because i felt so uncomfortable with him there, that girl talking shit, being annoyed, mad, couldn't concretrate on reading my cool book. I LEFT.

i just got right up in the middle of their conversation and fucking left. i don't know if they noticed, i don't know if they care, i don't fucking know. i don't know if any of this makes any sense, but i have never had to deal with something like this in my entire life. this is really new to me. i hope to God that this is not what i will be dealing with daily at the workplace. i cannot. this isn't fair. i haven't done anything to anyone. 

i was having a good day, i really was. i wasn't feel tense or unsure all day. maybe just not feeling cool since i woke up 30 minutes late. but besides that, i felt fine. i felt in control of my emotions and my thoughts. i was thanking God for everything he had done in my life and proclaiming good things. 

but i felt sitting there in that lunch table, just really ruined my day. and i was mad at that too. not him or her. but at the simple fact that they had the power to do that to me. i don't know where that power came from, i don't allow them to do that. it took me by complete surprise. when i was sitting there, i realized that i really can't sit there anymore. i really can't. i can't have my lunch break  -- the only time of day for myself -- to be ruined because of some stupid ass unexplained tension that i feel when that man is near me. 

i know it's beyond pathetic, but i don't want to keep suffering. the only good thing that came out of this was the simple fact that i could explain what the tension was like: it definitely wasn't sexual tension. i don't even know why in the world i thought it could be sexual tension, i could be losing my mind since i am so oblivious and naive in shit like that. but it definitely is not, it's just an uncomfortable "i don't like you and you don't like me but we have to deal with it" kind. 

and the pathetic part? we haven't spoken a word to each other. this isn't like we had a fight. this isn't like we had exchanged ugly glares. i can't even look at his face at this point. it makes me SO fucking uncomfortable. actually, i don't even look above his shoulders. i don't look in his direction at work. i don't look. and he has marked his own territory. he sits in the same spot everyday. clearly, he isn't going to do anything different. maybe he won't because HE DOESN'T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING DIFFERENT. maybe i'm the one whose fucking insane at this point. i'm the one who feels uncomfortable, I'm the one whose angry and agitated and uncomfortable for reasons that cannot be explained.

i am so pathetic.