shocked.

Wednesday was a normal day. I didn't talk much to anybody, keeping conversation at a minimum. I did my work, walked around a lot and went out for lunch. I had to go to the other lunch room since there was an event taking place in the original one (AKA where he was always seated at with his friends). When I went to the other lunch room I saw him and his friends and I also saw that the place was pretty filled, and I minded my own business. I felt his presence and I didn't like that feeling. I've already explained my strange feelings concerning him and I being in the same room like that. Anyways, lunch was fine until the end. I left a bit early to be able to wash my hands at the bathroom before I had to head back to my desk, and as I was walking back, I accidentally bumped into him. All I could say was "I'm sorry" and he only mumbled "excuse me" and we both walked away. my heart wasn't beating or feeling tight or any of those sensations that I've felt before around him. I was glad. For the rest of the day it was normal ; we got busy all of a sudden and then right at the end of the shift was the shock.

It was 5pm, when I was supposed to leave and I realized that two of my coworkers had been worried about something so I went to see if I could be of any assistance. While we were talking, I knew he was still working, but he got up (I wasn't paying attention, I was really concentrating on what my coworker was saying), walked past me, held my arm and said "Have a happy thanksgiving Sarah". Immediately, without even thinking about anything else for even one second, I simply looked over to him and said "happy thanksgiving."

I looked at my two coworkers and they had a surprised face, I'm sure I did too but they continued to speak to me as if nothing had happened. It took me a while, and I mean a while to fully understand what had happened because I couldn't react. I don't want anyone to know anything about my feelings and he had caught me completely off guard.

First of all, he didn't look at me when he said that. Or at least I don't think so. I was talking to my coworkers and I had not expected him to even speak to me, I thought he was just passing by as he usually does. So maybe he could have been looking at me? and i just didn't take notice? I only heard him and felt him touch my arm for the two seconds that he was speaking to me. honestly, more than the words he said to me, (since we haven't spoken in about two weeks) was the fact that he touched me. He does not touch me. at all. and if he has to touch me it is because i'm physically in the way of his vision. but this time, he touched me on my upper arm, he didn't have to and he touched me where my other co workers would see that. like, he didn't hide it. at all. to be fair, it was all very quick and brief. he didn't even wait until i was alone, he just did it in front of my other coworkers. i was so glad that i didn't blush or jump. or at least i hope i didn't. he totally caught me off guard.

to be honest, i don't know what that means. i really don't want to make it a big deal, but i guess, in a pathetic, my life-is-boring kind of way, it is a big deal. only because i don't have men touch me. i really don't. besides nice older men at my church who say hello or goodbye to me, i don't have any other contact. my dad is awesome, and i give him hugs, but i mean nothing out of that. i don't have men touch me. i don't know what would make him want to touch me? or do that in front of other people? or talk to me? why? after two weeks why? i would like answers to all these questions but to be honest, they are not important. i doubt they are. i can't let my feelings increase, or get the best of me. i don't want to be one of those girls trying to dissect every action of their interest ; i can't afford that. but i guess i am curious as to why would he break the ice and even go as far as to touch me?

really. more than the talking, it was the touch that shocked me the most. he never ever ever ever touches and he wouldn't dare to do so just because. also, the top of my arm, and it wasn't a pat. it wasn't like one of those one second pats, it was there for three seconds. he held my arm. and the position was so strange, because he held me as he was leaving....he was walking away. i don't know what to think of it, just the fact that wow, he talked to me and touched me. he didn't have to do any of that to be honest. he didn't have to. maybe he was feeling bad for me or pity for me. maybe he thought it rude not to wish me a good holiday.

well. there. at least, i wrote about it and it's over.