i am getting better at this whole crush thing. im just focusing on other things.

but, me thinking about how im getting better makes me think about him more, which defeats the initial purpose. soooooo

thankful

for my job

for my family

for my body

for my five senses

for my neighborhood

for those who surround me

for having money to spend

for not being stressed

for not being tied down

for not having kids 

for knowing whats right and wrong 

for the internet 

for clean streets

for accessibility to a hospital

for health insurance

for cute sandals

for having curly hair

for not being obsessed with money

for my love of books

for my love of the written word

for having an amazing bestfriend

for going to college and getting my BA

most of all. im thankful for Jesus.

iwhen God presents me with the one He wants me to be with then i will do so.

consistency isn't key?

ive been going to the gym for a little over 2 months and at first i was losing weight - and now i stopped.

i know my eating habits suck - its very hard to change since my body loves routine but i AM trying. my next thing is to stop having extra coffes and juices. i always have a coffee in the morning, during lunch, and after i hit the gym.  my improvement today? no coffee after gym.

but i feel like im doing everything else right.

i get at least 6 hours of sleep.
i am not stressed out (at all).
i am always getting up and walking around in my office (to avoid sitting too much).
im constantly changing up my workouts with various machines, stretching and using light weights.


its really hard. all i want is 10 pounds.

please Lord give me strength.

monday.

he called me to pass on a message, which i agreed to do. then he calls me again literally 2 seconds later.... not to apologize but let me know that he didnt mean to speak to me in that matter. i dont remember the specifics, but i do recall him mentioning that he didnt mean to be aggressive and that we were cool. it sounded he was apologizing. 

i was so confused and i said what in the middle of the conversation. he kept going but i assured him lightheartedly that all was well. 

men are so confusing. 

honestly i feel like absolute shit right now because im hungry as fuck and i tried on some clothes to go out and eat and i saw how fucking fat i am. how can i be hungry and this fucking fat? 

i didnt even eat like shit today why??? 

what happened this week?

so basically me and him have talked more and more but not because we're friends or anything like that - its because of the changes that are taking place right now. 

i got my spot changed and for some unknown reason he really wanted to switch with me, and offered me money for it. i was plainly shocked that anyone would offer me money for something like that. 

my spot is pretty secluded with more privacy than anyone else - something that others really wanted. i wasn't happy at first but once everyone talked about how much they wanted it and tried to trick me into giving it up - i saw how cool it was. 

so obviously he was into it as well and literally offered me money right off the bat once he had the chance to ask. i thought he was joking but he was insistening and then i told him that its not 100% sure. 

i also told him that i wasnt that mean to take his money, i would be literally robbing him if i took it not knowing what the outcome would be. 

i also made it clear without saying it directly, that it wasn't my choice or my place to make decisions about the moving. i was being forced to move therefore i have no say in what happens-- so i cant take the money and guarantee it. 

i dont know if he understood that - that it wasnt my place. and all during this truly weird conversation i let him know that he's been longer there than me and has more authority-- if anyone could make a request it would be him. not me. im young and ive only been there a year, and im being forced to go- unlike him. 

i think he listened to me at that point and told me that he would consider talking to the higher ups about this so he could switch to my new place or my old place.

he tried so hard and it just didnt make sense to me. he said that either the new person or me should be sitting in my spot and not him. i didnt want to argue with him, i understood where he was coming from but i didnt want his seat for sure lmao.

i only told him: 

its out of my control

i dont get to choose this

if you want a new place you can ask

i will not be taking money from anyone 

so weird. 

whirlround.

so someone new will be added and that's kind of a big deal.

this man is incredible and i dont mean that in a good way. 

him having a girlfriend is a good thing, and i know that i can honestly look at him in a different way and not feel sorry anymore.

yay me:)

this week sucks. at least the weather is nice. 

im having a hard time figuring out what i like to do for fun - besides cleaning. 

i like to read and write. but i barely do any of the two. 

revelation.

im thanking God because i realize that he revealed to me that he has a gf. at first i wasnt sure but God does things at his pace. 

He knew that i wouldnt be able to handle that info & the fact that his gf is here too if he had let me know that wayyyy before. 

God is so good. he knows when im ready to handle it - and accept it. and do the right thing. 

when i first found out i was devasted-- completely.  but now because God revealed that to me, im able to look at him differently. 

i thought of him as pathetic, lonely, strange and most of all - just sad. but now i know he's happily taken with someone whose on his level (no offene). its easier to deal with. 

but with that knowledge also comes the realization that his gf probably doesnt like me but its not a big deal. 

I am thanking my Lord for being so good to me and for the Holy Spirit in gently givng me this information and comforting me. 

im not feeling well, and of course its during my womanly time---- so im doomed for a really big event tomorrow. 

ugh, concidence? 

be in control.

although on the surface level this week has been good i know deep down things have been shaken up. im pushing myself more than ever, and trying not to let any unwanted desires, cravings and emotions  get the best of me. 

on wednesday i saw him and her waiting for each other after an event - and i was surprised. not shocked like when i first thought about them two. but simply suprised because ive seen them together. 

she asked him if he was ready to go and he said yes. 

i wasn't angry or upset. i was happy

 about that. i knew that he had a girlfriend but i wasn't sure who. i'm not 100% sure if its her, but im going to live like she is because i don't want to keep wondering who it is. 

i just want to let him live and let myself be free from all of this unimportant things-- im working on myself. mentally, physically and sprititually.

God has someone for me. i don't know where or how, and im just going to pray. 

we've talked everyday of this week. wow.

thank you God for another day. 

thank you Lord because you are taking away my mother's physical pain. 

thank you Lord because you are meeting my father's needs.

thank you Lord because you are watching over my brother and sister. 

thank you Lord because your precious blood continues to cleanse me each and everyday.

and the dreams keep going on.

I'm starting to think that my dreams have some sort of significance - not to change the world or change my life, but to bring to my attention the simple little things of my life.

For instance: I keep dreaming about him. I thought this was solely by missing him - or thinking about him for too much at one time. But no, I was wrong. I dream about him this weekend and I don't know why.

I also notice a pattern now as to what my dreams are - they are filled with us just talking to us. Not necessarily around anyone else just walking around talking, and enjoying each other's company. Almost seems realistic but I know it's not.

When the realization of his appearance in my dreams comes through, i'm no longer freaking out.  I'm not looking for answers, nor am i even trying to make sense of them. i'm honestly bored and annoyed by it.

I'm just trying to deal with it by praying and letting the Lord get to it.

i only said hi to him. ill just pray since im getting butterflies again.

surprised that we talked today. 

we had something big to do and he went from standing across from me, to standing next to me - with his body faced towards me. 

he's very quiet so i didn't notice him moving near me. at 1 point he stared at me and it felt so awkward. i didnt want to talk - i had butterflies in my stomach and i felt the tension - but it was so mean to not say anything. 

i was waiting for him to say something but he didnt - so i did. i simply said hi and looked him in the eye. 

he then proceeded to talk. short but ok.

although i know he isnt mad at me but it did make me a little sad to know that he wasn't ok. 

he said he was fine but by the way he said goodbye to me something was definitely bothering him. he sounded annoyed, bothered, upset or angry. 

well at least he knows that i thought he was off.

i made the rare move by asking him if he was ok since he looked really down when he got in the elevator. 

i didn't mean to say anyrhing but it was so strange - he's usually one of the cheery ones. 

i thought about him waaay too much today. 

confused emotions.

now that he's back i just wish i had the power to change my emotions, sometimes. 

it's so hard having this crush, not knowing why, being aware of the fact that this is stupid and not being able to change it. 

i know that he's not right for me. so i take certain steps to keep my feelings from increasing:

i dont talk to him on a daily basis

i dont ask him about his life

i dont bother his close friends 

i dont try to initate conversation

i dont think about "us" 

but because of my uncontrollable emotions and my embarrassing attachment to him, i still react to

him. 

it's extremely pathetic and i don't pretend like i like it or am proud. 

i haven't even revealed this to a single soul - only God.

i dream about him. again.

what does this mean??

i've dreamed about him and everyone else for 3 nights straight. 

i gotta pray.

i had the most embarassing fleeting thought ever: us kissing. 

i was praying and for a split second i daydreamed about a fictional couple and instead it was me and him. i freaked out and snapped out of it. 

im so ashamed.

time off.

Today i found out that he isn't going to be in until next week since he's off for vacation.

i was a bit surprised, but not angry, upset or sad. i surprised myself with those reactions.

i loved the idea of being able to do my work without any sort of distraction - even from him, who i try not to take notice of.

i loved thinking about not having to look his way whenever i walk down the hallway.

i loved knowing that i had a chance of being free from his presence and my stupid feelings for him.

i was wrong.

instead, he creeped into my every thought. i day dreamed without the fun. i thought about him and i didn't even smile or feel happy.

 it was like that annoying ass song you hear on the radio that you know you hate but you can't get rid of because it's so catchy and now your stuck with it until something else is powerful enough to distract you from it.

i thought about him ALL DAY. and i didn't even think about : oh how's his vacation? where did he go?

instead i just thought about the way he sits, the way he dresses, the fact that he needs to get his shit together, his glasses, how he's important at the place.

stupid ass shit. and stupid ass me for thinking these stupid ass thoughts.

yes, he had time off and i had time off -- mentally.

impressed.

i impressed myself today by having oatmeal (with water) for breakfast.

i impressed myself today by having a salad for lunch. what.

wow. i am doing so much better than i thought.

surprised.

Whenever I pray I'm always feeling like I got everything down lol, I can take on anything.

But at the same time, whenever I pray something surprising always happen. Like today.

I prayed for him yesterday and it was genuine. Today, he talked to me. I was talking to someone I frequently have conversation with, and he jumped in and said my name and told me to never say that I was blind.

The conversation was about my eyeglasses, which I was happening to wear that day. I never wear glasses to work, I am always wearing my contacts which I prefer. But today, I had told the first person, that I was super tired and it's usually my reason of for wearing glasses at work.

And then he just jumped in the conversation and I noticed that the other man had left, lol, which isn't bad but I wish I had just told him "goodbye" at least. I did mention that I am blind, not because I cannot see anything, but simply because I cannot walk around or do anything if I don't have some sort of help.

I even took off my glasses and tried to see what was in front of me and I couldn't tell at all. He then asked me if i'm far sighted and I answered him. That was the whole conversation, and it usually is that short, but none of the less, it is always surprising when he initiates a conversation with me. 

I really don't talk to him frequently and since we don't work I just keep to myself, so when he jumps into a conversation with me I am always surprised and a little taken back. 

to be fair, he did speak to me so briefly on Friday and now Monday, that is kinda a big deal. We don't even talk everyday, so yes.

I do notice when we talk and notice when we don't. and unfortunately, I still care. I'm working on myself.

checklist of things to buy with paycheck.

Payday is God-send gifting that feels so short but it is the sweetest thing after working 2 long weeks.

This pay-day i will need to:

pay my phone bill
pay my gym bill
get some workout clothes
take out tithe
take out money to save up for new savings account

it's called adulting and it is not fun or easy, simply the right thing to do.

i had a dream about him. again.

pretty productive.

I went out to the dentist and got my cavity addressed. up at 9 am and got this done. boom.

I got my brother's phone fixed and ready to ship out for replacement. boom.

I cleaned up my house - washing dishes, sweeping, wiping mirrors and appliances. boom.

I will start doing my nails, since I have no money what so ever.

running around.

no, not literally, mentally.

I have these plans to start my own business - but i can't find figure out what business to go into since our economy is so fragile and yet I don't love enough to just invest in and start off. But I am in the age to start making investments and mistakes that won't cost me much.

I want to buy my own property - forget renting. I would prefer buying a condo or cooperative. Having my own little space or place, literally 1 bedroom would be perfect. Perfect location, wood floors, open concept, medium sized kitchen and large bedroom.

I want to get my nails done (which haven't done in over 3 months) and get my eyebrows done and maybe a pedicure, I just want to be so pretty - it makes me feel so well.

I want to stay home and be just lazy. no further explanation.

I want to help my mom with some of her errands, she's been out of surgery and I know she needs me. Although it's been a month and she's doing incredibly well.

I want to get my ass to the 5 hour DMV class & make a road test appointment and just get my driver's license. I am almost so desperate to do this but I can't get myself to spend 5 hours on my Saturday with this stuff.

I want to clean my room and home - love love love love love to clean. I really do, I enjoy moping and washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom. Not that i like dirty places, but I love having a clean home and knowing that I did it myself, it makes me so proud.

See, my mind is running. literally. i need to choose something.

too much change means too little change

as i work out this week i can tell that my body does enjoy the movement and more so with me being send out to do assignments and going to parks. so automatically i felt like i would lose 94934 pounds, but i havent, yet. 

i checked this morning and i gained 1 pound and when i thought about it, i knew why: 

the foods i've been eating lately have made me bloated and superfull

i'm drinking juice & coffee 3x a day which is NEVER good. so i need to give it up either the afternoon or after my workout. 

so once i get my mouth to be controlled (the part that hasn't been tamed) i'll be good.

just taking it one day at a time - no other way.

crazy.

i haven't went to any fast food place for me to eat and i'm still around the same weight - i thought that would help but i'm not doing my part entirely.

extremes.

i don't consider myself extreme but there are days in which i am simply because of circumstances. 

i walked outside an hour and half trying to take pictures for an assignment. 

i went to bed at 5:30 pm. 

i didn't go to the gym. 

i ate bread twice.

didn't sleep well the night before and i wanted to try to get something done -- that wasn't my job. 

i don't feel great but i'm not beating myself up.

i can only try harder

i dream about him again. must be the fact that weve been working together. 

feeling so pretty today. 

tbh ive been going to the gym and i havent felt any better. i need to try harder. 

cant even explain

i dont know where to begin....

i guess i can say that my biggest progress has been the simple fact that im not asking why anymore. i prayed to God to help him -- something that surprised me --- to be a better man, and ever since ive been able to keep my emotions to all time low. 

i know its God listening to me and he rewarded me with peace and focus on other things. 

i dont google things about men and their actions. or "what if" scenarios. i dont look at him. i don't talk to him. i dont sit around him at lunch, completely avoiding him.

i will say hello when appropiate but i dont give any conversation. i know that any friendship or progression will only end in sadness and brokeness on my part. 

i still struggle though ; im always aware of his movements. i dont know how to act normal, i try though. if i hear him talking i do listen, even though nowadays its more annoying than anything else to be honest. i still notice his outfits ; i give him credit now. i used to critize how casual he dressed, but i realize that he dresses pretty well in good colors and very fitting and flattering. nothing flashy, nothing underdressed, pretty nice. and most of all i avoid him. i dont think i can ever have a normal conversation with him to be honest. 

& sometimes my emotions flare up ; like last night i had a dream about him so i was super aware of him. but i didnt like it.

but i thank God at all times.  

these pants that i bought in september now fit me tight. i am so mad at myself. how can i keep gaining weight? 

i am sad about today. 

i said too many things. 

i looked the wrong way. 

i ate too much. 

i didn't take care of my skin like i should. 

i feel like i have no control over myself sometimes. why? god please give me self control. 

i know i havent posted; the idea is that if i dont write i dont dwell. im getting better at avoiding him, im not staring all the timr and i dont sit next to him during lunch- but i didnt want to change my comfort just to avoid awkwardness. i decided to sit in the same room once in a while and talking to someone makes things easer. i do pay attention when he speaks but i give no conversation. i still have feelibgs for reasons that i cannot figure out. it is saddening; im trying to focus on me more than anything else. its just hard, but bearable. i thank God for constantly letting me know that even if something were to happen-- he is not the man for me. the Holy Spirit is dwelling in me and reminding me to look to Jesus, my true love. 

i havent forgotten about this, im just kinda over myself with this stupid crush. i really am.

trying to lose weight is really hard. 

im trying not to go to a fast food place and eat healthy but its friday and i am starving. 

i only remember that if i go to a fast food place i will not eat well, since last week i stopped and ate little and felt so much better. 

im trying to ignore him to the best of my ability, but i do catch myself paying attention to him. 

when he comes in, when he goes. i just feel so pathetic about it. 

but God knows i am trying so hard to let it go.

i didnt talk to him and i dont feel miserable or upset. good for me.

i have random thoughts about him and i dont like it. especially knowing how pathetic it is for me to feel like that. he has a girlfriend, ive heard repeatedly said "his girl" or "your girl". he is not interested in me at all. he is not attracted to me. he considers me a kid, not even a woman. he already knows that im a difficult person who has no problem being left alone. 

i need to keep telling me myself all those things.

late thoughts.

although im not in bed awake i am having those same emotional thoughts that keep me over thinking and upset and crazy about him. 

i admitted to myself that i care about him. i do. i dont know to what extent but i do. i thought about how i really wanted him to say goodnight to me but in the end i was pretty pathetic and i just needed to go home. 

i did talk to him twice today. but then i understood that he already has posted me as a difficult person (which i am) but its just hard to acknowledge. 

i keep asking myself questions and replaying situations and hoping that ill get some relevation. some stupid ass relevation so i can feel anxious and desperate free. 

im so dissapointed that this whole crush thing hasnt left already. really. how long do i have to deal with this??? 

wouldn't have it any other way.

i have taken notice that he's not the same around me as he was when we first worked together. but, i remember what he's said to me and although i have let it go- i keep it as a reminder that anything can happen. if i let him get to me he could pass the line like he has in the past. people dont change just because. 

he was always joking around with me but now i understand that its better to be nice, polite & distant so that there arent any issues. im so afraid of issues coming up and i dont want that to happen ever again. i guess i thought about this as the new intern was introduced as i was before. 

i will admit i still have feelings for him and every once in a while if i hear something or see something, they will flare up. but i dont want my moods or emotions to dictate anything in my life. 

still like him, still dont know why. i just try to deal with it. i guess now, i just try not to acknowledge them as much as i did before this.