i guess i can say that my biggest progress has been the simple fact that im not asking why anymore. i prayed to God to help him -- something that surprised me --- to be a better man, and ever since ive been able to keep my emotions to all time low.
i know its God listening to me and he rewarded me with peace and focus on other things.
i dont google things about men and their actions. or "what if" scenarios. i dont look at him. i don't talk to him. i dont sit around him at lunch, completely avoiding him.
i will say hello when appropiate but i dont give any conversation. i know that any friendship or progression will only end in sadness and brokeness on my part.
i still struggle though ; im always aware of his movements. i dont know how to act normal, i try though. if i hear him talking i do listen, even though nowadays its more annoying than anything else to be honest. i still notice his outfits ; i give him credit now. i used to critize how casual he dressed, but i realize that he dresses pretty well in good colors and very fitting and flattering. nothing flashy, nothing underdressed, pretty nice. and most of all i avoid him. i dont think i can ever have a normal conversation with him to be honest.
& sometimes my emotions flare up ; like last night i had a dream about him so i was super aware of him. but i didnt like it.
but i thank God at all times.
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