So close to playing investigator and trying to find his instagram or facebook. I heard him tell someone he has an instagram.

I knew he had facebook but ive never been the type to be sneaky and try to find shit. What is with me? 

Tbh, ive done it with my other co workers.... 

But i know if i do it with him, i will stalk him. And i dont want to become that.

In the process of avoiding a man who clearly likes me and avoiding a man who i like for unknown stupid reasons. 

My situation makes me sad. My insecurities make me sad. I shouldnt be sad. I shouldnt be thinking about him. I dont like anything about him. I dont like his looks, personality, voice or background. When he does talk to me he sounds bored. If im around him, i feel nervous and tense. I dont want him to go away; hes great at what he does. We dont need to talk. I just need to get over myself. 

Today another girl was there so it wasn't as bad as it was before. But its weird. And unfortunately im aware of him completely, and i dont want to feel like that but i do. Its making me sad more than anythinh else and its terrible. It must be that obvious because a woman came up to me who i never talk to and asked me if i was ok. She was so sweet and said that i could talk to her anytime. She said it again in front of my boss whic was surprising. 

Jumbled thoughts.

He doesn't have much conversation with me, which i get and which is what i want, but i can't help wonder why. Is it possible that he can sense something is going on? He doesn't hang around me or talk to me for any necessary reason.

Things are becoming weird, but not for him, for me. Today was the first time i actually found myself feeling uncomfortable because we both sit in the same cafeteria and we sit literally feet away from each other. I'm completely aware of his existance and it's kind of frightening. I don't know how to describe it. I think he feels the same way too after what happened today. I was in the lunch room alone and when he came in he was looking for a place to sit and he didn't see me.  When he noticed me he immediately moved away. I didnt make any eye contact but it was so obvious. I felt so bad at the same time because i dont want him to feel unwelcome. Thats not what i want, at all. I dont know why but just being around him is causing me discomfort.

The only time we speak is to say hello and i say it because were so close to each other that it would be just plain rude to stay quiet. I don't want us to be friends but not enemies either. I dont know how to feel or make myself not feel discomfort.

I will admit that i fear that he will sense the tension as well.


Or im just overthinking everything.

Too much socialization. Too many emotions. Too much to do. Too much to eat. Too much to lose.

I thought about him today. I'm really disappointed about thinking about him. I don't want to think about him during my weekends. I'm starting to get mad at myself. He was in my dream again too.
Why am i so pathetic? Why do i think about him when i dont want to? Why is it that he is the first thing that i think about in the morning. Not just disappointed, just plain sad to be honest.

friday.

it was a great day and i got a lot of things accomplished which always makes me happy. usually, i know what i'll be doing for the day but i do know that sometimes things just come up and they have to be taken care of first.

i will admit, i'm curious as to why he left so early. he came in after me but left about an hour earlier than i did. i didn't see him at lunch, going to assume that he did have a lot of work to do and would probably leave early since he had no break. in any case, it was kinda shocking and more that he didn't even say goodbye to anyone. he always says good night to those around him but i think he was in a rush just to leave to be honest. he didn't talk to me the whole day, but that wasn't personal or surprising. we don't talk every day, as our job descriptions don't require us to anyways. when we did have the chance to talk, we didn't. i never initiate conversation of course and probably will not. (to keep myself from catching more feelings.)

back to good, positive stuff:

i finally got to talk to my teammates about my whole no-official-position deal and i am confident that my higher up will help me concerning this. she made it clear that it was her first priority when she returns back to work on Tuesday and also she told straight up that I've been doing an amazing job - in general. she told me that i was prolific when it came to coming up with content and being consistent. even though it was totally unnecessary for her to praise me, i truly appreciated it. so she was really awesome by asking me what it is what i wanted for my position title but was also completely honest and realistic by indicating that she may not get answers soon or directly to me. and i understood that and i appreciated her telling me the truth.  my other coworker, who happened to be in the same position as i was about a year ago, was also super helpful by telling me what it was that he went through and how the process was for him. he also was the one who told me to ask my higher up for help which was key. he's so helpful when it comes to things.

I am wondering why he called me a good girl after he found out why i returned some money i found on the floor. Is that a bad thing?

Today was really interesting

MI dont know why but the two hours before my lunch break always mean im kinda. Its been like this for a while and i dont know how to change that.

Before i went to lunch he made some jokes about me not having my hat. He said he was going to take my picture lol it was funny. 

But then during my lunch time, we actually spoke. He went in the elevator with me to get lunch, which has never happened. He said "youre always laughing, which isnt normal." He was laughing himself. I told him i dont care and with a smile he said "i know you dont." Then he said "but the thing is that you dont wanna share the jokes." 

And i explained laughing that i cant translate all of that, it wont make sense. And he said i could just tell him what it says. 

Then when i came in to sit down in the cafeteria to watch some comedy, i really was laughing out loud to one specific episode to which another co worker noticed. I didnt even realize he was standing over me and when i did he said "i just really wanna know how funny this is." And i tell him laughing that i cant explain because its in spanish and that its  majorly cultural. Thats when he started asking me questions about what it was and my culture. 

It was actually interesting because hes never asked me about myself and im not one to talk about myself. I usually keep to myself but to hear someone asking me questions is just out of the ordinary. He said he just wanted me to tell him what it was for the first 2 minutes. 

It was all very surprising. Actual conversations and during lunch.

Mornings.

I prayed last night. Not holy on my knees sophisicated language. I talked to God last night and gave him all the glory for the amazing things he's done in my life.

I told him all of my worries and insecurities. I felt so happy and relieved to know that the Lord has everything in control and he permits things to happen for a specific reason.

Good day.

He didn't talk to me at all today. I wonder why. Not that i should care or that anything bad should come out of it. 

To be fair, i didn't say hi either. I don't initate conversation. I wore my cat hat, and i kinda expected him to say something since he finds it funny. But i know im expecting too much. 

My best friend told me that a man is never just nice to you. And i totally believe her. 

Good day.

I wore my bear hat and people loved it. Im surprised. Especially with him, since he noticed it first. I will admit that i even forgot half of what he said, but i mean he was nice to me. I just remember him definitely asking me "where is my robber hat?" Which is about my black hat, that he called last week. 

Then i told him it was a cat and he laughed. I also told him that i have a bear hat today and he laughed. He asked me to see it and when i showed him he nodded as well because i told him that it was a good deal at forever 21. 

After that he left and he came back saying "i should just stay here and take your picture....?" I forgot what the second part was, all i know is that i was telling him not to take my picture and saying "no no no". Lol we were both laughing i cant stand pictures its true. I dont remember why he said that.

Then i remember a part of me telling him "not to take a picture because he would use it against me". I know it didnt sound nice but to be fair i dont see anything good from him having a picture of me. 

I also remember him mentioning that it would be like when they took the picture of me for an event we had a few months ago. 

Then as i was leaving he saw me with my hat and started laughing. He took his phone as a joke and i ran away saying"dont, im not photogenic". He laughed like crazy.

Good morning

God is goos. Jesus is always with me. Today is going to be an amazing day with lots of blessings. Proclaiming the good and giving no power to the bad.

Productive post.

I dont wanna think about him when im not around him. 

Reasons why "us" wouldnt work:

1. Were coworkers. Our team would be very affected and so would our performance. Awkward for the other two on our team. Also if it thats awkward one of us would have to leave and i would hate to make any unnecessary changes. 

2. He's not a christian. I really don't want to be in a relationship or marriage with someone who doesnt understand my love, committment or dedication to Jesus. 

3. He's not of the same race as me. Even though my family is very accepting of the idea of me being with a man whose different, the reality may not be what they want. I usually am accepting of the idea that a man is mixed or different race, but for some reason the reality of it makes me uneasy. Maybe its because there's a whole new culture to take into consideration. 

4. He is 15 years older than me. This isnt as scary to me as it is to other women. Im used to my parents 12 years difference, who have been married for 23 years.Also the guys i have gotten involved with before have always been older. And im always attracted to older men -- from celebrities to real life (brad pitt, chris hemsworth, denzel washington,Jamie camil, my history professor). In fact, i know now that my dad wouldn't care if i dated a man his own age as he confirmed to me today. Surprising but nice to know that my dad is only concerned that the man has his own life, and has the resources to take care of me --- age is nothing after that.

Back to the negative: he will age much quicker because he's already middle aged. I still have 15 years before i hit his age. That could be a turn off later on. He also almost always mention me being young or a "college kid" or refers to himself as a old person to me. Whenever were making a joke, for some reason, he always says "why cause im old?" So he already thinks of himself like that, even though ive told him no. I know that the age would be a much bigger problem to him than me. 

5. We've already have had two altercations. He's crossed personal boundaries and i havent been exactly nice to him about it afterwards. The situation makes me super careful about what i say to him and how i say it in order to avoid problems. 

6. To this day, i can't figure out out why i am even attracted to him. Why is it that he makes my heart beat 10 times faster when he is around me. Why is that i always am looking up or around when i think he's near me. Why. He is not physically attractive at all. His personality isn't anything special. He's smart but nothing that would blow my mind. I don't know why and to be honest, that scares me. If i can't figure out why im attracted to him then i honestly feel like we may not be compatible at all. And if we have no similar interests, hobbies, beliefs, then what would hold us together? 

I know for sure that i will not, will not pursue anything. Nothing at all. It is not worth it. I will not risk my job, comfort, relationship with Jesus for anything. 

I don't know what is going to happen concerning this, i just know that im leaving in God's hands. 

I thought about him all weekend.

Fuck. 

Museum.

Im so happy im at the museum and i love it. Also alone which i dont mind at all.

Night thoughts.

I see on instagram frequently that men want a woman who doesn't sleep around, smart, hard working, not a gold digger. I know this isn't a bad list; i know i have those qualities but i also know that i am not physically what they want. It's hard to feel good about myself when society has impossible standards. I know God has someone for me, someone great but i still feel the very real unrealistic expectations of a good, loyal woman.

Feeling better.

The hard heart beating and butterflies haven't left yet but i wasn't taken back when i did bump into him. 

Today was good.

No problems with mom or dad. 

Gave sister her bday gift which she loved. 

No problem at work. I talked to him today and it was totally fine.

God is so good.

I prayed so hard and trusted in God with my whole heart for this no-boss situation. And He answered me: no hiring someone from the outside. They're going to give the responsibility to someone whom ive known and is a good person. He has his own office so i won't be bothered at all. My co-worker even told me that business goes on as usual and nothing will be changing. Really happy. Jesus is good when we put ourselves to him. I have to just submit my fears, worries, everything negative to him because he said that we can.  

Matthew 11:28-30New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

another woman.

I think he likes her, and if she likes him back that would be even better. That way i can go over this. 

He talks to her frequently and they have a similar passion in sports, which i am not into at all. She's not ugly, slim with multiple piercings and tattoos. 

I won't bash her. There is absolutely nothing bad to say about her. Shes very nice and she dresses cool.

Maybe they can get together and if they do, i would be honestly happy for them both.

I understand that he doesn't like me now. It took me a while to accept it. I just literally thought: if im spending hours at night googling ways to tell if a man is interested in me, then he doesn't like me. I would be able to catch that at some point in honesty. I also felt extremely pathetic about it. I've never had a boyfriend, i have no experience and i cant for the life of me tell when a man is remotely interested in me.

Im so bad at it. All of my friends tell me that and i know that my dad and sister believe it too. I once made a comment that men don't care about butts, and they literally just looked at me as if i was insane.

But in any case, i know and most importantly accept that he is not in the least bit interested in me. Which is good. so i dont feel the minimum compelled to even attempt to say anything or make him my friend.

Still doing a great job.

I don't want to give him the cold shoulder. But i don't want to give unnecessary attention. I only said hi to him today so that's good and that was only because he was in my space and it would have been plain rude had i not said anything. 

It is so strange. 

Crushes.

Now that i think about it, my crushes have never seen a type. I just remembered how i had a small crush on matt and he wasn't attractive either. I guess i surprise myself too since i dont find myself liking what i think i like in my head. If anything im kinda mindblown, cause i dont have a type seriously. I can like any kind of guy and never realized it. 

Im happy. Im feeling better. My outfit is nice. My hair is nice. My makeup is nice too. Feeling pretty.

Excited.

I finally got to speak with a nutritionist / dietian. She gave me an example of the foods that i can eat in order to lose weight. Also she told me to track down everything that i eat so i can do better. & more i will be downloading the app she recommended to keep track of what i consume. I told 20 pounds is what i gained since my throat issues became present, so we will work with that. I know it won't be easy but i know if i stick to it for more than 2 weeks that means that the worst part is over. Please Lord give me strength to do what i have to do. 

I really want to be healthy and also get rid of the uncomfortable fat that is on my body. Seriously, physical discomfort is not something i want to deal with. 

Patience.

I definitely think im come a long way when it comes to my patience. I don't argue with others as much ; i let them say what they want to say. I try not to be angry: it doesnt go anywhere good anyways. I dont mind waiting longer for things ( like doctors appts). I used to get mad or anxious if i didnt get what i wanted in a short amount of time. I don't let strangers attitudes get to me and/or i dont respond back when theyre not on their best behavior. 

I still think im a long way until i get to where i want to. My peers and family have informed me that i am getting much better. My sister has even gone as fair as to say that i'm much more patient than she is, which is a big deal to me. 

I thank Jesus for that because it wasn't for prayer and comfort i don't think i would be as tolerant as i am now. I know that things aren't fair but i do know that theres nothing to do in most cases but take control of yourself. 

I still pray to God for patience, maturity, love, forgiveness and for self control. I want to continue to grow as a better person not someone whose constantly struggling.

Today was good with him.

We actually had a conversation for more than a minute.

It's interesting how we always change conversation - we never stay on one topic when we do talk for a while. 

Lol it really was amusing though how he was entertained when i gave him that piece of paper with the days i have off.

according to him, i have more days off and he's very surprised. Now he's going to plan his days off based on what i gave him. Lmao. 

The whole paper thing was a joke but in the end he really did want it lol so he could plan the rest of this year out. I did tell him seriously though that i won't print anymore personal info for him. He laughed his head off. 

But on a serious note i wonder why the other two didn't tell him that i was taking my day off tomorrow. I thought they did. What harm could go into that? I do notice that when he's not here i am not informed either so its just because we don't need to know. 

Although he did make it clear today that i should let him know that im not going to be present so at least he can prepare to do some of my workload. 

I was truly surprised that we even talked. Whenever i think were going to have a conversation we dont. But im not even thinking about it, he wants to. The only reason why we did was because the other two weren't there. I hope that i didn't say anything or do anything that could be potentially bad. Im thinking it over and don't see anything, but i do overthink all the time. 

As long as we can converse in a good manner as such today then were good. But i am praying consistently that God gives me wisedom and knowledge around him so i dont make myself a fool or let him suspect my feelings.

i'm in pain.

yes, it is that special time of the month for me. and i am in pain. discomfort. but i'm making it. sorry.

Boring.

I realize that i am kind of boring but i think it stems from the fact that i have no vices that people look for in me. Or the fact that i'm not into shocking others. But i don't mind, i'm happy and that's all that matters. 

Its so refreshing when my dad talks to me about the things of God. He's always good at that. 

I haven't worn a bun in 3 weeks, but today i didn't & i loved it.

Pretty simple.

No makeup no contacts no heels no fancy dressing. Just me. & i feel pretty

Despite my ugly faults and neglience God loves me.

Ive been talking to him about my problems lately. Over analyzing my issues and not asking him to answer one question. Its important to know that you dont need to know everything.

Blah.

Found nothing interesting.

- you care about them

- you are worried about them

- they are important to you

Whatever. 

Embarrased.

this is now the second dream this man has appeared in. we were hugging. Im going to do research as to why im having dreams about certain people now

high and low.

i know that i'm getting my period soon because my emotions are kinda wacked out. i don't believe wacked is word but i don't care. i'm thinking about it today and i think it's weird that my coworker, who unfortunately, i am attracted to, didn't say anything to me.

even my other one, who i barely talk to, made conversation with me and was nice enough to wish me a well weekend since monday is columbus day. like, am i taking this too fucking personal? why couldn't he just say goodnight. i mean i did see him talking to someone else, but i honestly refuse to initiate any conversation. i know me initiating the convo will only lead me to want more about him and i am doing my very best (practically perfect) at not talking to him on a daily basis.

even though i don't want to talk to him and do anything, (since it is bad for me), i guess i'm kinda bummed out that my other two coworkers, who are the team, were kind enough to say goodbye and wish me a well weekend.

i'm not even saying that they have to, because they don't. there are times where i literally rush my way out of work without saying a word to anyone. and that wasn't the case today, i actually was going to go over to their desks and tell each of them goodnight. but that wasn't the case. and it's kinda like "what is the issue with you saying goodnight?"

what the hell is wrong with me. there is so much wrong with me. i don't want to be near him and yet i do.

too many highs and lows.

kinda nervous for tomorrow.

i have my first gyn appointment tomorrow. to be fair, it is time. i guess my concern is that i'll end up being uncomfortable for the rest of the day. also i don't want to get up so freaking early to go to my appointment. 10:45am. that's early for saturday.

Serious petition.

God please take over my useless, empty, dead love life. I want to be with someone who you want me to be with.

Logically happy. Emotionally sad.

Not once did he talk to me today. I know that when we do talk it's not like we have any deep or necesarily deep conversations, but he always says hi and some joke. Unfortunately, jokes are the majority of things associated with our conversations. But still, he didn't even say hi. 

I'm happy because nothing happened. He didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He didn't tell me anything that would make me mad or happy.  Considering our past ugly conversations, i'm glad that he understands that it would be best to keep a distance from me. It wouldn't end well and i totally aware and happy with that. 

I'm sad because l'm still a stupid human being whose feelings say that you are attracted to me and imagine how great it would be if you could actually talk to him. I still don't understand why i would want his attention. In a way i do want him to say hi but for what?? 

Although part of me is sad i know this is for the best and that i cannot afford any issues. None. I am not risking anything for someone who i still don't understand why i am attracted to in the first place. 

Oh well. At least i know that God is making his moves and listening to my petitions. He knows i want no troubles, and if keeping him away is the answer then let it be. 

Why.

Why is it that these people refuse to give me an appointment? I just want it and that's it. I don't want to keep taking days off for this bullshitz

i'm praying.

i'm praying that this crush goes away. i don't even know why i'm attracted to him.

he's not handsome at all. he's bald with glasses. not the guy i was thinking.

his personality isn't anything special. he's not mysterious, or quiet, or funny, or sweet, or kind.
he's a regular man. he is super friendly and liked by everyone but that doesn't mean shit.

he doesn't treat me any different than he would for another person. we work together.

why would anyone be attracted to someone for no damn reason???

informal introduction & disclosure.

I decided to create this blog:

to throw all the trash, nonsense, stupidity, curious & mindless thoughts / ideas / feelings onto the internet.

This is not:

to create an informative campaign

to teach anyone anything

to make anyone happy or upright

to keep me busy

to entertain anybody 

to say that i have a blog

No. this blog is created to throw my mind onto paper. 

I had a diary and journal when i was younger, but it was found out and read out loud and i am forever scarred.