shocked.

Wednesday was a normal day. I didn't talk much to anybody, keeping conversation at a minimum. I did my work, walked around a lot and went out for lunch. I had to go to the other lunch room since there was an event taking place in the original one (AKA where he was always seated at with his friends). When I went to the other lunch room I saw him and his friends and I also saw that the place was pretty filled, and I minded my own business. I felt his presence and I didn't like that feeling. I've already explained my strange feelings concerning him and I being in the same room like that. Anyways, lunch was fine until the end. I left a bit early to be able to wash my hands at the bathroom before I had to head back to my desk, and as I was walking back, I accidentally bumped into him. All I could say was "I'm sorry" and he only mumbled "excuse me" and we both walked away. my heart wasn't beating or feeling tight or any of those sensations that I've felt before around him. I was glad. For the rest of the day it was normal ; we got busy all of a sudden and then right at the end of the shift was the shock.

It was 5pm, when I was supposed to leave and I realized that two of my coworkers had been worried about something so I went to see if I could be of any assistance. While we were talking, I knew he was still working, but he got up (I wasn't paying attention, I was really concentrating on what my coworker was saying), walked past me, held my arm and said "Have a happy thanksgiving Sarah". Immediately, without even thinking about anything else for even one second, I simply looked over to him and said "happy thanksgiving."

I looked at my two coworkers and they had a surprised face, I'm sure I did too but they continued to speak to me as if nothing had happened. It took me a while, and I mean a while to fully understand what had happened because I couldn't react. I don't want anyone to know anything about my feelings and he had caught me completely off guard.

First of all, he didn't look at me when he said that. Or at least I don't think so. I was talking to my coworkers and I had not expected him to even speak to me, I thought he was just passing by as he usually does. So maybe he could have been looking at me? and i just didn't take notice? I only heard him and felt him touch my arm for the two seconds that he was speaking to me. honestly, more than the words he said to me, (since we haven't spoken in about two weeks) was the fact that he touched me. He does not touch me. at all. and if he has to touch me it is because i'm physically in the way of his vision. but this time, he touched me on my upper arm, he didn't have to and he touched me where my other co workers would see that. like, he didn't hide it. at all. to be fair, it was all very quick and brief. he didn't even wait until i was alone, he just did it in front of my other coworkers. i was so glad that i didn't blush or jump. or at least i hope i didn't. he totally caught me off guard.

to be honest, i don't know what that means. i really don't want to make it a big deal, but i guess, in a pathetic, my life-is-boring kind of way, it is a big deal. only because i don't have men touch me. i really don't. besides nice older men at my church who say hello or goodbye to me, i don't have any other contact. my dad is awesome, and i give him hugs, but i mean nothing out of that. i don't have men touch me. i don't know what would make him want to touch me? or do that in front of other people? or talk to me? why? after two weeks why? i would like answers to all these questions but to be honest, they are not important. i doubt they are. i can't let my feelings increase, or get the best of me. i don't want to be one of those girls trying to dissect every action of their interest ; i can't afford that. but i guess i am curious as to why would he break the ice and even go as far as to touch me?

really. more than the talking, it was the touch that shocked me the most. he never ever ever ever touches and he wouldn't dare to do so just because. also, the top of my arm, and it wasn't a pat. it wasn't like one of those one second pats, it was there for three seconds. he held my arm. and the position was so strange, because he held me as he was leaving....he was walking away. i don't know what to think of it, just the fact that wow, he talked to me and touched me. he didn't have to do any of that to be honest. he didn't have to. maybe he was feeling bad for me or pity for me. maybe he thought it rude not to wish me a good holiday.

well. there. at least, i wrote about it and it's over.

i hate this crush.

i just want to get over it. i'm actually kind of sad.
how do i get rid of this God?

although i still like him, and i still get nervous around him, im really understanding that theres no point in trying to be his friend or positive co-worker because theres always that possibility that shit may take place again and i almost promised myself i would avoid that.

update.

its been about a week and half since ive talked to him. a part of me worries that if i keep avoiding him or just not saying hi it. could be potentially harmful career wise. a larger part of me says who the fuck cares? because we dont even work together on anything, nothing, not even to pass messages. because maybe he feels the same way as i do (theres no point in talking to me). also, if he felt weird about it he could say hi too. im not obligated to give any conversation to anyone to be honest. 

i remember months ago, when i first started, he would come by my desk and jokingly say "what? you don't say hi to me anymore?" i never knew what that meant. if he thought that i should initate conversations with him more, but thats not in my character and im not interested in going beyond what i have to do for someone irrelevant like him

realization.

my pills were ruining my emotions, so now i know why i was such a smudgey mess for two weeks. also, i got my period again since i got off the pill two days ago. i dont need them ; never did & it didnt even do its job so whatever.

honestly its annoying to see that i left that lunch room so i could eat in peace and instead he comes to the other lunch room. it was perfect that i was done cause i couldnt believe out of all the places that he could of went he and that girl had to go near me. like, really? was that necessary? im not mad but like: really. really. im like doing my best to left alone not see him or anyone for that matter and instead hes next to me. i know the lunch room is being used so everyone is coming here. not his fault. but still annoyed. 

he doesn't fucking drive. that is so fucking lame. i want a grown ass man who can take the wheel. i see men now who have families and cant drive- its really heart breaking to see how these wives cant depend on their spouses. more: he says he wants kids-- how does he expect to get his kids to where they need to? im sorry but thats a fucking dub. thats all i see when i hear him now. like, you a grown ass man, you should hold a job, have an apartment & drive your fucking car.

although i was doing work and watching some spanish comedy, i did hear some of the conversation that he had with other coworkers. all about "perceptions" and "masks". honestly, i tried to understand what was being said but then i realized how stupid it was to even care about someone else's conversation. like,

its not about me its not for me, why arent you minding your own business? 

im not trying to be mean or cold or distant but i find it so much more easier to just be left alone and whatever.

its absolutely crazy how he makes me uncomfortable in that room.

or how i can't concentrate on my own activities. i try my best to ignore him and whoever else is there.

or how aware, how much i am aware of his existance, his presence in that small room.

it makes so sad.

it makes me so sad when i'm mean to my parents.
it makes me so sad when my words hurt other people.
it makes me so sad when i see other people hurting and being completely helpless.
it makes me so sad when i know things are still the same.
it makes me so sad knowing that i don't do my best.
it makes me so sad understanding that my insecurities can get the best of me sometimes.

my knee hurts.

i tried sitting in the cafeteria but i was so uncomfortable, i had to leave. 

i just want to get over this. 

uncomfortable.

my pants dont fit me and i just got these weeks ago. i have to lose weight.

even though i still like him there's a part of me that honestly doesn't give a fuck about him. he's truly ugly,  he doesn't drive and he has a girlfriend. he also doesn't like me ; he finds me weird and strange which isn't what i want my future husband to think of me. i fucking hate this.

i sat in the cafeteria though ; im trying to remind myself that theres nothing wrong. there is nothing wrong with sitting in the same room as him.

i honestly wish that i didnt have these feelings....

like they are so useless. for what good is it to like someone?? why is it that im having so much trouble with this crush? i never had these issues before. never.

ever. i didnt see them enough to feel like something was wrong or uncomfortable.

he has a girlfriend, just reminded again. i just need to get over this. and i will.

coming to terms.

my breasts are ugly. they're small and they sag. i have huge areolas and the nipples are south. i know they're ugly. i am very insecure about them and i've always been. i try my best to hide them away in whatever i can (unless i'm home i don't care) and i would never want anyone to see them. i try my best not to let my sister or mom even see them because i know what faces they make. i get it. i really do. i'm not pretending.

i hope to God that a man doesn't care about them. i really hope so. i really really really hope that if he is repulsed, to at least pretend he is happy and keep his comments to himself. i wonder why i didn't get ever get just ok breasts. not big, not small, just no drooping or even smaller areolas. just normal. but i don't want to question the Lord, because that's the way he made me.

and i've been coming to terms with them lately. i have bought a bralette in hopes to see the positive of my breasts. i am young. they're not wrinkly. they don't have any scars or pimples on them. i'm still a B cup. thank God i don't have breast cancer. I have two of them. I can wear a bra. they are part of my womanhood and being a female and all that feminine stuff. some man will put up with it if he really loves me. i can sleep on my stomach. i don't need a big bra. i don't have back pain. men look me in the face when i speak to them.

the braille is pretty and it's for girls who have a small pair. i don't know if a B is small and i don't know if sagging breasts makes them smaller, but i bought a bralette. i love the way it looks on me, i don't have the guts to wear it to work, but i do wear it on the weekends and i feel free. i'm thinking about buying some unlined ones, just to see what it would look like. i want to feel beautiful regardless of what i think. i deserve to feel beautiful just as any woman should.

i don't have push up bras ; they make me feel fake, stupid and betraying. i would never want to lead anyone into thinking that i have large perky breasts when i sure do not. i feel uncomfortable with any bra that isn't my size and that doesn't cover me.

i'm trying to come to terms with my breasts. it's not easy but i think it can be done.

the dreams continue. im ashamed. the only way i can not be more attracted to him is by thinking about all the negative things that have passed us. the way he made me angry. his words, his actions. the way he responded to me after i tell him off. it may not be the right way (ive prayed to God and gave him the problem) but this helps me too. it also keeps me in reality because obviously he and i would not be a good couple if things start off in the wrong way. none of those things are desirable in a relationship, therefore it keeps me from thinking about the slight possibility of it working out. he's not right for me. i will not pursue it. he doesnt like me. he is in a relationship. im getting over it. 

i was told that im always smiling and laughing but i know that im not. im actually too serious. 

i wish i had a guy best friend. not a boyfriend. just a best friend. 

dressing.

i go back and forth on the kind of clothing or "style" i want in my life.

i used to wear sweatpants to work -- especially if they were cute but i stopped. i work in a office so i can't. now i wear cute loungpants that are similar to sweatpants on the weekends. i don't even care about what i wear on the weekends, it's almost pathetic. i just want to be comfortable and cute. whatever keeps my stomach from looking like flab makes me happy. i've been buying victoria secret apparel lately, which are not work appropriate but who gives a shit? i feel cute. i feel happy. and i'll continue to do so as long as i'm feeling like this. i have no reason to buy really nice casual clothes (jeans, silk or expensive material shirts) or any shit like that because i already do that for the weekdays.

i just want to be comfortable but not nasty like to others. and i refuse to embarrass myself.

i'm not mad anymore. but i'm not doing anymore favors. she doesn't appreciate anything i do for her, so why should i even make an effort to make her happy? i'm over it.

im so mad. i dont care if im upset because im irrational or because im emotional. the least you could have done is say thank you. instead i get an attitude. yes, i ripped the paper up. i tend to make bad short term decisions when im upset. 

sad again.

I've been taking these birth control pills for about a month and yet, my acne is still present. i'm going to have to try a different kind in order to get this right. i am so sad. i have never been this ugly before and i just want this to go away. i really do.

Ive been taking these pills for almost a month and i still have this acne. Im so disappointed. I thought that the cold weather would get rid of this, but it didn't. Instead, my acne seems to be getting worse - its spreading from my forehead to other places in my face.

My Faith.

Last night I felt like God was talking to me and I got the motivation I need. I know that the Lord has everything in control. I have given this issue to Him and I have asked Him to do whatever it is that He needs to do, to do his will. I don't want my messy, irrational, unexplainable feelings to get in the way of His will. His will is perfect, his plan is better than mines. I may want something now and not even know why I want it, but I do know that God is more than me. He gives me strength each and every day. The preacher made it clear that God's glory is all around us ; when we go to the mirror and look we see God's great creation. & that made me so happy. The preacher said that even though we go through things, God knows why and God is always with us. 

It gave me so much happiness, so much relief, so much security to know that the Lord knows why I am having these feelings, why I want to hide from Him, why I want to hide from my feelings, why I feel so inadequate, why I feel so insecure, why I feel like I'll never find anyone to be in a loving, committed, Christ-like relationship, why I feel like I'm just never good enough. But God used the preacher to show me that Christ believes I'm good enough because he created me. Even the preacher mentioned that no matter if I'm thinking about my future spouse or my job. Which are for me, enough though he didn't know that. 

God is so good. God has everything in control and I just want God to know that he can do whatever it is he needs to do, in order to have His will done. 

I know that this man isn't what I expected to like, at all. And I know that God doesn't make mistakes. I plan on not trying to figure out why I am attracted to this man, that's up to God. I just want God to do his will and give me strength every single day to do what is right. I want God to let me know that I'm on the right track, and not let me look like a fool. Give me strength, courage, wisdom so that I can do what His will is. 

k.

i said goodbye and he said "goodbye NAME".  i did look him in the face, right in the eyes, smiled and moved away quickly. i had to say goodbye simply because we were going to bump into each other and i said it quickly without looking at him. i don't know why i looked at him in the eyes, i shouldn't have done that. i don't like doing that to myself.

but i did, and even though it was momentarily, he was very quiet and he said my name. i didn't say his name, i was saying it in general. but he said it very nicely, i shouldn't have noticed it. at all. i wish i didn't care about that shit, but i did. i really do though. since we were going to bump into each other, after we exchanged words, he let me go first with a bow. to be completely fair, i said goodbye first. i didn't want to be absolutely rude. it was all too quick. but anyways, i just want to forget about it. in a way, i do.

i'm just glad that work is over. i was moody all week and still emotional. and even though he spoke to me, it doesn't change anything. i need to let things to be, i need to continue to pray to God. God has all the answers, and even if i don't understand anything, he does.

Be logical.

I didnt go to the caferteria today. And its not about him anymore, its about me. I just need to get over this and myself. I cant sit there without being uncomfortable. And now that i know he has a girlfriend, it only gives me more reason to get over this. 

I will admit ive never actually tried to get over a crush before. Never. Its hard. 

Still annoyed. Still bloated. Still overemotional. Im just happy that this day is ending. Also good thing that two people made my day today.

He has a girlfriend.

Now i have good reason to let this fucking go.

overwhelmed.

i'm really overwhelmed with my emotions at this point. i couldn't sit at the lunch table and just relax. i felt that uncomfortable, and more: i was getting angry. the girl he was sitting next to - i don't like her. she's not nice and she's always complaining about something. i don't want to assume its jealously, i'm not jealous of her. she has nothing that i want, but the sheer fact that both of them were talking and talking shit out of nowhere about people from my country was beyond maddening. i was trying my best not to leave , simply because i didn't feel like it was my responsibility or job to be afraid and just go. i should have the right to feel comfortable wherever i want regardless of who is sitting there.

but like i mentioned previously in my posts, i had been feeling uncomfortable. and now i know for sure its not some stupid fucking sexual tension, it's the tension you get when you just had an argument with someone and you have to see them. it's that kind. the kind where things are bad and now awkward because you have to share space with them. and both of you know its not good but there's nothing you can do about it. the only difference between that scenario and mine, is that i don't know if he feels the same tension as i do. does he feel like there's something wrong? does he feel like things are awkward? because i sure as hell do, and at this point i don't care if he does. it bothers me, and because i felt so uncomfortable with him there, that girl talking shit, being annoyed, mad, couldn't concretrate on reading my cool book. I LEFT.

i just got right up in the middle of their conversation and fucking left. i don't know if they noticed, i don't know if they care, i don't fucking know. i don't know if any of this makes any sense, but i have never had to deal with something like this in my entire life. this is really new to me. i hope to God that this is not what i will be dealing with daily at the workplace. i cannot. this isn't fair. i haven't done anything to anyone. 

i was having a good day, i really was. i wasn't feel tense or unsure all day. maybe just not feeling cool since i woke up 30 minutes late. but besides that, i felt fine. i felt in control of my emotions and my thoughts. i was thanking God for everything he had done in my life and proclaiming good things. 

but i felt sitting there in that lunch table, just really ruined my day. and i was mad at that too. not him or her. but at the simple fact that they had the power to do that to me. i don't know where that power came from, i don't allow them to do that. it took me by complete surprise. when i was sitting there, i realized that i really can't sit there anymore. i really can't. i can't have my lunch break  -- the only time of day for myself -- to be ruined because of some stupid ass unexplained tension that i feel when that man is near me. 

i know it's beyond pathetic, but i don't want to keep suffering. the only good thing that came out of this was the simple fact that i could explain what the tension was like: it definitely wasn't sexual tension. i don't even know why in the world i thought it could be sexual tension, i could be losing my mind since i am so oblivious and naive in shit like that. but it definitely is not, it's just an uncomfortable "i don't like you and you don't like me but we have to deal with it" kind. 

and the pathetic part? we haven't spoken a word to each other. this isn't like we had a fight. this isn't like we had exchanged ugly glares. i can't even look at his face at this point. it makes me SO fucking uncomfortable. actually, i don't even look above his shoulders. i don't look in his direction at work. i don't look. and he has marked his own territory. he sits in the same spot everyday. clearly, he isn't going to do anything different. maybe he won't because HE DOESN'T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING DIFFERENT. maybe i'm the one whose fucking insane at this point. i'm the one who feels uncomfortable, I'm the one whose angry and agitated and uncomfortable for reasons that cannot be explained.

i am so pathetic.

I was sitting in the room with him and his friend and i honestly cant stand it. Its not about jealously, its just that its really uncomfortable for me to be around him now. I dont even know why. I cant explain it. But now im uncomfortable and annoyed. I had to go, i hope noone noticed.

Sad.

I thought about him all weekend.

He creeped into my every day thoughts, my scenes, my dreams at night. And yet i dont understand why. I had to convince myself that i shouldnt search his name to find his social media accounts. I am honesty so pathetic. I keep thinking about all the things he said that i dont understand. Im debating if i should work christmas eve just so i spend time with him. Why would i even take that into consideration? especially when he doesnt have feelings like i do. I am so pathetic. Ive started praying to God about my future husband and i havent received any word or feeling or revelation that he is it. I want God to lead me to someone who he thinks is right for me. Not on my damm emotions which carelessly disregard my logic and reality. I want to be with someone who likes me, and cares about me - and shows it in the right way. 

This is what makes me sad. 

I want everyone to go home and leave this home the fuck alone. 

Fuck this.