i never asked him about his christmas or birthday. but i feel like it would have been wrong to do so.

politeness counts.

today as the last day before the holiday, he did the usual and spoke to me to wish me a nice new year. i was kind of surprised, even though he does it. 

i was a little confused as to why he he came to ask me if i was coming in tomorrow - when he knows i won't. he did ask me if im doing anything & i did tell him that everyone bailed on me. he chuckled. i asked him the same and he told me nothing as well.

after that small convo i realized i was confused and i IMed him and let him know that he wouldnt be alone, to which he let me know that it was just he was alone last week. i told him that he and the other coworker had gotten a day off each lol but he ignored that. he instead told me that he hoped he could leave early and that it would be busy. 

then i had finally told him and my other coworker goodnight and happy new year. 

i guess it was simple but its always nice to know that people are just plain polite. even if its just being polite for the sake of being polite.

nothing done.

 he hasn't spoken to me in 2 days. i dont get it - do i really have to be the one to initiate conversation? i'm not interested in this. im not into doing all the work.

why are people so annoying???? 

what to do, what to do.

didn't talk to him today. had no reason to. had no excuse to. he didn't talk to me either.

what the fuck man.

this hasn't been neglected.

to be honest i've just been trying to focus more on myself and not on my problems, especially him.

i say hi to him everyday. i work with him once in a while when it calls for it. but i'm trying my best not to be attached, or do anything that would make me more attracted to him than what i am already.

i have to remind myself on a daily basis that i don't need to know the answers to everything.
everything happens for a reason.
i let God take care of all my worries because he has a plan, which is perfect.

he talked to me today.

i am so surprised, he actually talked to me today and all on his own. i didn't say anything to him, and he was the one who initiated conversation. twice.

at first it was in the morning i was simply going to say hello as i did yesterday and instead he said it to me first with a smile. i was so surprised. he was so willing. i don't know what to make of it to be honest.

then it was when i was leaving. i had said goodbye to everyone minus him simply because he was too far and i didn't want to waste any more time there. he was still at the computer but i saw him reach for his book bag. then as i left to wait for the elevator, he caught up to me ; he was waiting there as well for the elevator. i smiled at him and he said "me leaving with you means i'm leaving early today." and i simply replied jokingly that i must be leaving late --- since he always leaves 10 minutes after me.

and in the elevator he said my name and walked out as a goodbye. so so so surprised. i will say, my heart fluttered. i didn't intend it to, but it did. i don't know how this change came, i don't know what it means i have no idea anymore. but i really didn't expect any of that. i don't know what any of this means, and i'm only praying to God that he takes care of it because he is the one who knows.

he talked to me, and smiled at me. i only did that for one day. i am so confused.

to be fair, a lot of people talked to me and it's surprising.

another good day.

to be honest, i felt so pretty and happy today. i didn't expect to be so happy or feeling so pretty. but my makeup looked nice, my hair looked nice, my skin looked nice and i looked pretty decent in my outfit today.

also i was nice, i made an effort to talk to people and be nice and respond back. i guess making an effort pays off sometimes. lol.
but i was happy and still am. i want to continue to be so.

it was a good day.

i thank God for everything he has done for me & know that i took that with me today at work. i was happy, content and just not worried about anything that may take place. 

even more, i made the bold move of saying hello and holding eye contact.

im no good with eye contact, and im

no good at holding conversations but i tried. i just want to act normal around him - not be rude or disrespectful. 

just hello, no conversation. nothing less nothing more.

touch.

today the lord touched me in a powerful way. through my spirit. when i least expected it i had been filled to the brim with God's touch and i felt like my heart was going to explode. i wasn't expecting it in anyway. it was completely unplanned and was not strictly my emotions. i dont know how to explain it, but i know it was God. i cried, i jumped but most of all i felt like i was shaken to the core. it was like a physical reminder that God's presence in my life has never left ; that i should always trust even when i don't feel it. i should always magnify God and never let anyone or anything be bigger than God. 

i asked the Lord for a sign to let me know if he had a simple purpose (just passing through in my life) or a real purpose (perhaps friendship or more), but to be honest i didn't get either. i got a sign that God is with me always, and even though i never doubted it, i know he let me through my spirit and my flesh that he is with me everywhere. His glory is always splendid and he is always with me.

k.

still waiting on that sign. 

i had to run out of work. i wish i could talk to someone about this but only for someone spirtually can explain to me why this could possibly be taking place to me.

im so sad. & im sad about so many things. i just want to crawl into my bed and die (metaphorically). i dont want to deal with any of this. i dont want to deal with my unstable, incomprehenable feelings. i dont want to deal with question of why ME? I dont want to feel pathetic for feeling like this. i dont want to feel anything. i was having a great day --- i dont need to fall in the hole of "greatest

mysteries of life: why the fuck do i like him?" i dont. im so over myself.

no matter what my strange feelings want, i decided that i can't just be cold or ignorant or avoiding him. i don't think i'm being any of those things, but just in case i am saying at least hello or goodbye. it's the minimum i can do.

i won't try to hold his attention, have a conversation, or even have eye contact. i think just a few seconds of saying something will be good enough.

it's always in the back of mind: did he purposely stop talking to me? and i say "he" because i never initiated conversation, and never will (i'm not that type of person). but he always spoke to me and even after the two fiascos, he had no problem speaking to me again.

but i can say now it's been about 2 months since we've had a conversation, and i know this because i remember feeling super awkward around him when it was going to be W.We would be in the same room but i had nothing to say to him so i didn't. in fact, i just didn't look at him, i just minded my own business.

of course now, it's different. i've gone through some highs and lows on this. and i'm still trying to deal with my emotions no matter how irrational they are to be honest.

trying to lose weight - trying to do what i can to be healthy. i actually ate fruit today, which i do maybe every two weeks. i will eat one fruit at least once every, single day. i need to try harder. i know that if i eat better i can definitely lose weight and help my acne as well. :)

memory.

i remember a couple of months ago telling myself that i wish i had a crush so i could have something within the male/romance/love/dating whatever fucking thing it can be called, realm. i remember thinking how pathetic i was that i didn't have anybody after me or me after anyone or anything. literally anything for months. i don't count getting hit on.

but now that i have a crush, i'm just dealing with it. i was sad, mad, angry, confused, nervous, pitiful, embarrassed, humiliated, rushing, hoping, unworthy, disappointed and so many other emotions that i haven't experienced for a long time.

i am just dealing with it and understanding the statement "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it."

I prayed to God that he takes all of this into his own hands. I cast my anxiety on him because i know he cares for me. I am happy. I am content. I trust Him all the way.