monday.

he called me to pass on a message, which i agreed to do. then he calls me again literally 2 seconds later.... not to apologize but let me know that he didnt mean to speak to me in that matter. i dont remember the specifics, but i do recall him mentioning that he didnt mean to be aggressive and that we were cool. it sounded he was apologizing. 

i was so confused and i said what in the middle of the conversation. he kept going but i assured him lightheartedly that all was well. 

men are so confusing. 

honestly i feel like absolute shit right now because im hungry as fuck and i tried on some clothes to go out and eat and i saw how fucking fat i am. how can i be hungry and this fucking fat? 

i didnt even eat like shit today why??? 

what happened this week?

so basically me and him have talked more and more but not because we're friends or anything like that - its because of the changes that are taking place right now. 

i got my spot changed and for some unknown reason he really wanted to switch with me, and offered me money for it. i was plainly shocked that anyone would offer me money for something like that. 

my spot is pretty secluded with more privacy than anyone else - something that others really wanted. i wasn't happy at first but once everyone talked about how much they wanted it and tried to trick me into giving it up - i saw how cool it was. 

so obviously he was into it as well and literally offered me money right off the bat once he had the chance to ask. i thought he was joking but he was insistening and then i told him that its not 100% sure. 

i also told him that i wasnt that mean to take his money, i would be literally robbing him if i took it not knowing what the outcome would be. 

i also made it clear without saying it directly, that it wasn't my choice or my place to make decisions about the moving. i was being forced to move therefore i have no say in what happens-- so i cant take the money and guarantee it. 

i dont know if he understood that - that it wasnt my place. and all during this truly weird conversation i let him know that he's been longer there than me and has more authority-- if anyone could make a request it would be him. not me. im young and ive only been there a year, and im being forced to go- unlike him. 

i think he listened to me at that point and told me that he would consider talking to the higher ups about this so he could switch to my new place or my old place.

he tried so hard and it just didnt make sense to me. he said that either the new person or me should be sitting in my spot and not him. i didnt want to argue with him, i understood where he was coming from but i didnt want his seat for sure lmao.

i only told him: 

its out of my control

i dont get to choose this

if you want a new place you can ask

i will not be taking money from anyone 

so weird. 

whirlround.

so someone new will be added and that's kind of a big deal.

this man is incredible and i dont mean that in a good way. 

him having a girlfriend is a good thing, and i know that i can honestly look at him in a different way and not feel sorry anymore.

yay me:)

this week sucks. at least the weather is nice. 

im having a hard time figuring out what i like to do for fun - besides cleaning. 

i like to read and write. but i barely do any of the two. 

revelation.

im thanking God because i realize that he revealed to me that he has a gf. at first i wasnt sure but God does things at his pace. 

He knew that i wouldnt be able to handle that info & the fact that his gf is here too if he had let me know that wayyyy before. 

God is so good. he knows when im ready to handle it - and accept it. and do the right thing. 

when i first found out i was devasted-- completely.  but now because God revealed that to me, im able to look at him differently. 

i thought of him as pathetic, lonely, strange and most of all - just sad. but now i know he's happily taken with someone whose on his level (no offene). its easier to deal with. 

but with that knowledge also comes the realization that his gf probably doesnt like me but its not a big deal. 

I am thanking my Lord for being so good to me and for the Holy Spirit in gently givng me this information and comforting me. 

im not feeling well, and of course its during my womanly time---- so im doomed for a really big event tomorrow. 

ugh, concidence? 

be in control.

although on the surface level this week has been good i know deep down things have been shaken up. im pushing myself more than ever, and trying not to let any unwanted desires, cravings and emotions  get the best of me. 

on wednesday i saw him and her waiting for each other after an event - and i was surprised. not shocked like when i first thought about them two. but simply suprised because ive seen them together. 

she asked him if he was ready to go and he said yes. 

i wasn't angry or upset. i was happy

 about that. i knew that he had a girlfriend but i wasn't sure who. i'm not 100% sure if its her, but im going to live like she is because i don't want to keep wondering who it is. 

i just want to let him live and let myself be free from all of this unimportant things-- im working on myself. mentally, physically and sprititually.

God has someone for me. i don't know where or how, and im just going to pray. 

we've talked everyday of this week. wow.

thank you God for another day. 

thank you Lord because you are taking away my mother's physical pain. 

thank you Lord because you are meeting my father's needs.

thank you Lord because you are watching over my brother and sister. 

thank you Lord because your precious blood continues to cleanse me each and everyday.

and the dreams keep going on.

I'm starting to think that my dreams have some sort of significance - not to change the world or change my life, but to bring to my attention the simple little things of my life.

For instance: I keep dreaming about him. I thought this was solely by missing him - or thinking about him for too much at one time. But no, I was wrong. I dream about him this weekend and I don't know why.

I also notice a pattern now as to what my dreams are - they are filled with us just talking to us. Not necessarily around anyone else just walking around talking, and enjoying each other's company. Almost seems realistic but I know it's not.

When the realization of his appearance in my dreams comes through, i'm no longer freaking out.  I'm not looking for answers, nor am i even trying to make sense of them. i'm honestly bored and annoyed by it.

I'm just trying to deal with it by praying and letting the Lord get to it.