i only said hi to him. ill just pray since im getting butterflies again.

surprised that we talked today. 

we had something big to do and he went from standing across from me, to standing next to me - with his body faced towards me. 

he's very quiet so i didn't notice him moving near me. at 1 point he stared at me and it felt so awkward. i didnt want to talk - i had butterflies in my stomach and i felt the tension - but it was so mean to not say anything. 

i was waiting for him to say something but he didnt - so i did. i simply said hi and looked him in the eye. 

he then proceeded to talk. short but ok.

although i know he isnt mad at me but it did make me a little sad to know that he wasn't ok. 

he said he was fine but by the way he said goodbye to me something was definitely bothering him. he sounded annoyed, bothered, upset or angry. 

well at least he knows that i thought he was off.

i made the rare move by asking him if he was ok since he looked really down when he got in the elevator. 

i didn't mean to say anyrhing but it was so strange - he's usually one of the cheery ones. 

i thought about him waaay too much today. 

confused emotions.

now that he's back i just wish i had the power to change my emotions, sometimes. 

it's so hard having this crush, not knowing why, being aware of the fact that this is stupid and not being able to change it. 

i know that he's not right for me. so i take certain steps to keep my feelings from increasing:

i dont talk to him on a daily basis

i dont ask him about his life

i dont bother his close friends 

i dont try to initate conversation

i dont think about "us" 

but because of my uncontrollable emotions and my embarrassing attachment to him, i still react to

him. 

it's extremely pathetic and i don't pretend like i like it or am proud. 

i haven't even revealed this to a single soul - only God.

i dream about him. again.

what does this mean??

i've dreamed about him and everyone else for 3 nights straight. 

i gotta pray.

i had the most embarassing fleeting thought ever: us kissing. 

i was praying and for a split second i daydreamed about a fictional couple and instead it was me and him. i freaked out and snapped out of it. 

im so ashamed.

time off.

Today i found out that he isn't going to be in until next week since he's off for vacation.

i was a bit surprised, but not angry, upset or sad. i surprised myself with those reactions.

i loved the idea of being able to do my work without any sort of distraction - even from him, who i try not to take notice of.

i loved thinking about not having to look his way whenever i walk down the hallway.

i loved knowing that i had a chance of being free from his presence and my stupid feelings for him.

i was wrong.

instead, he creeped into my every thought. i day dreamed without the fun. i thought about him and i didn't even smile or feel happy.

 it was like that annoying ass song you hear on the radio that you know you hate but you can't get rid of because it's so catchy and now your stuck with it until something else is powerful enough to distract you from it.

i thought about him ALL DAY. and i didn't even think about : oh how's his vacation? where did he go?

instead i just thought about the way he sits, the way he dresses, the fact that he needs to get his shit together, his glasses, how he's important at the place.

stupid ass shit. and stupid ass me for thinking these stupid ass thoughts.

yes, he had time off and i had time off -- mentally.

impressed.

i impressed myself today by having oatmeal (with water) for breakfast.

i impressed myself today by having a salad for lunch. what.

wow. i am doing so much better than i thought.

surprised.

Whenever I pray I'm always feeling like I got everything down lol, I can take on anything.

But at the same time, whenever I pray something surprising always happen. Like today.

I prayed for him yesterday and it was genuine. Today, he talked to me. I was talking to someone I frequently have conversation with, and he jumped in and said my name and told me to never say that I was blind.

The conversation was about my eyeglasses, which I was happening to wear that day. I never wear glasses to work, I am always wearing my contacts which I prefer. But today, I had told the first person, that I was super tired and it's usually my reason of for wearing glasses at work.

And then he just jumped in the conversation and I noticed that the other man had left, lol, which isn't bad but I wish I had just told him "goodbye" at least. I did mention that I am blind, not because I cannot see anything, but simply because I cannot walk around or do anything if I don't have some sort of help.

I even took off my glasses and tried to see what was in front of me and I couldn't tell at all. He then asked me if i'm far sighted and I answered him. That was the whole conversation, and it usually is that short, but none of the less, it is always surprising when he initiates a conversation with me. 

I really don't talk to him frequently and since we don't work I just keep to myself, so when he jumps into a conversation with me I am always surprised and a little taken back. 

to be fair, he did speak to me so briefly on Friday and now Monday, that is kinda a big deal. We don't even talk everyday, so yes.

I do notice when we talk and notice when we don't. and unfortunately, I still care. I'm working on myself.

checklist of things to buy with paycheck.

Payday is God-send gifting that feels so short but it is the sweetest thing after working 2 long weeks.

This pay-day i will need to:

pay my phone bill
pay my gym bill
get some workout clothes
take out tithe
take out money to save up for new savings account

it's called adulting and it is not fun or easy, simply the right thing to do.

i had a dream about him. again.

pretty productive.

I went out to the dentist and got my cavity addressed. up at 9 am and got this done. boom.

I got my brother's phone fixed and ready to ship out for replacement. boom.

I cleaned up my house - washing dishes, sweeping, wiping mirrors and appliances. boom.

I will start doing my nails, since I have no money what so ever.

running around.

no, not literally, mentally.

I have these plans to start my own business - but i can't find figure out what business to go into since our economy is so fragile and yet I don't love enough to just invest in and start off. But I am in the age to start making investments and mistakes that won't cost me much.

I want to buy my own property - forget renting. I would prefer buying a condo or cooperative. Having my own little space or place, literally 1 bedroom would be perfect. Perfect location, wood floors, open concept, medium sized kitchen and large bedroom.

I want to get my nails done (which haven't done in over 3 months) and get my eyebrows done and maybe a pedicure, I just want to be so pretty - it makes me feel so well.

I want to stay home and be just lazy. no further explanation.

I want to help my mom with some of her errands, she's been out of surgery and I know she needs me. Although it's been a month and she's doing incredibly well.

I want to get my ass to the 5 hour DMV class & make a road test appointment and just get my driver's license. I am almost so desperate to do this but I can't get myself to spend 5 hours on my Saturday with this stuff.

I want to clean my room and home - love love love love love to clean. I really do, I enjoy moping and washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom. Not that i like dirty places, but I love having a clean home and knowing that I did it myself, it makes me so proud.

See, my mind is running. literally. i need to choose something.

too much change means too little change

as i work out this week i can tell that my body does enjoy the movement and more so with me being send out to do assignments and going to parks. so automatically i felt like i would lose 94934 pounds, but i havent, yet. 

i checked this morning and i gained 1 pound and when i thought about it, i knew why: 

the foods i've been eating lately have made me bloated and superfull

i'm drinking juice & coffee 3x a day which is NEVER good. so i need to give it up either the afternoon or after my workout. 

so once i get my mouth to be controlled (the part that hasn't been tamed) i'll be good.

just taking it one day at a time - no other way.

crazy.

i haven't went to any fast food place for me to eat and i'm still around the same weight - i thought that would help but i'm not doing my part entirely.

extremes.

i don't consider myself extreme but there are days in which i am simply because of circumstances. 

i walked outside an hour and half trying to take pictures for an assignment. 

i went to bed at 5:30 pm. 

i didn't go to the gym. 

i ate bread twice.

didn't sleep well the night before and i wanted to try to get something done -- that wasn't my job. 

i don't feel great but i'm not beating myself up.

i can only try harder

i dream about him again. must be the fact that weve been working together.