i am getting better at this whole crush thing. im just focusing on other things.

but, me thinking about how im getting better makes me think about him more, which defeats the initial purpose. soooooo

thankful

for my job

for my family

for my body

for my five senses

for my neighborhood

for those who surround me

for having money to spend

for not being stressed

for not being tied down

for not having kids 

for knowing whats right and wrong 

for the internet 

for clean streets

for accessibility to a hospital

for health insurance

for cute sandals

for having curly hair

for not being obsessed with money

for my love of books

for my love of the written word

for having an amazing bestfriend

for going to college and getting my BA

most of all. im thankful for Jesus.

iwhen God presents me with the one He wants me to be with then i will do so.

consistency isn't key?

ive been going to the gym for a little over 2 months and at first i was losing weight - and now i stopped.

i know my eating habits suck - its very hard to change since my body loves routine but i AM trying. my next thing is to stop having extra coffes and juices. i always have a coffee in the morning, during lunch, and after i hit the gym.  my improvement today? no coffee after gym.

but i feel like im doing everything else right.

i get at least 6 hours of sleep.
i am not stressed out (at all).
i am always getting up and walking around in my office (to avoid sitting too much).
im constantly changing up my workouts with various machines, stretching and using light weights.


its really hard. all i want is 10 pounds.

please Lord give me strength.

monday.

he called me to pass on a message, which i agreed to do. then he calls me again literally 2 seconds later.... not to apologize but let me know that he didnt mean to speak to me in that matter. i dont remember the specifics, but i do recall him mentioning that he didnt mean to be aggressive and that we were cool. it sounded he was apologizing. 

i was so confused and i said what in the middle of the conversation. he kept going but i assured him lightheartedly that all was well. 

men are so confusing. 

honestly i feel like absolute shit right now because im hungry as fuck and i tried on some clothes to go out and eat and i saw how fucking fat i am. how can i be hungry and this fucking fat? 

i didnt even eat like shit today why??? 

what happened this week?

so basically me and him have talked more and more but not because we're friends or anything like that - its because of the changes that are taking place right now. 

i got my spot changed and for some unknown reason he really wanted to switch with me, and offered me money for it. i was plainly shocked that anyone would offer me money for something like that. 

my spot is pretty secluded with more privacy than anyone else - something that others really wanted. i wasn't happy at first but once everyone talked about how much they wanted it and tried to trick me into giving it up - i saw how cool it was. 

so obviously he was into it as well and literally offered me money right off the bat once he had the chance to ask. i thought he was joking but he was insistening and then i told him that its not 100% sure. 

i also told him that i wasnt that mean to take his money, i would be literally robbing him if i took it not knowing what the outcome would be. 

i also made it clear without saying it directly, that it wasn't my choice or my place to make decisions about the moving. i was being forced to move therefore i have no say in what happens-- so i cant take the money and guarantee it. 

i dont know if he understood that - that it wasnt my place. and all during this truly weird conversation i let him know that he's been longer there than me and has more authority-- if anyone could make a request it would be him. not me. im young and ive only been there a year, and im being forced to go- unlike him. 

i think he listened to me at that point and told me that he would consider talking to the higher ups about this so he could switch to my new place or my old place.

he tried so hard and it just didnt make sense to me. he said that either the new person or me should be sitting in my spot and not him. i didnt want to argue with him, i understood where he was coming from but i didnt want his seat for sure lmao.

i only told him: 

its out of my control

i dont get to choose this

if you want a new place you can ask

i will not be taking money from anyone 

so weird.