feeling so pretty today. 

tbh ive been going to the gym and i havent felt any better. i need to try harder. 

cant even explain

i dont know where to begin....

i guess i can say that my biggest progress has been the simple fact that im not asking why anymore. i prayed to God to help him -- something that surprised me --- to be a better man, and ever since ive been able to keep my emotions to all time low. 

i know its God listening to me and he rewarded me with peace and focus on other things. 

i dont google things about men and their actions. or "what if" scenarios. i dont look at him. i don't talk to him. i dont sit around him at lunch, completely avoiding him.

i will say hello when appropiate but i dont give any conversation. i know that any friendship or progression will only end in sadness and brokeness on my part. 

i still struggle though ; im always aware of his movements. i dont know how to act normal, i try though. if i hear him talking i do listen, even though nowadays its more annoying than anything else to be honest. i still notice his outfits ; i give him credit now. i used to critize how casual he dressed, but i realize that he dresses pretty well in good colors and very fitting and flattering. nothing flashy, nothing underdressed, pretty nice. and most of all i avoid him. i dont think i can ever have a normal conversation with him to be honest. 

& sometimes my emotions flare up ; like last night i had a dream about him so i was super aware of him. but i didnt like it.

but i thank God at all times.  

these pants that i bought in september now fit me tight. i am so mad at myself. how can i keep gaining weight? 

i am sad about today. 

i said too many things. 

i looked the wrong way. 

i ate too much. 

i didn't take care of my skin like i should. 

i feel like i have no control over myself sometimes. why? god please give me self control. 

i know i havent posted; the idea is that if i dont write i dont dwell. im getting better at avoiding him, im not staring all the timr and i dont sit next to him during lunch- but i didnt want to change my comfort just to avoid awkwardness. i decided to sit in the same room once in a while and talking to someone makes things easer. i do pay attention when he speaks but i give no conversation. i still have feelibgs for reasons that i cannot figure out. it is saddening; im trying to focus on me more than anything else. its just hard, but bearable. i thank God for constantly letting me know that even if something were to happen-- he is not the man for me. the Holy Spirit is dwelling in me and reminding me to look to Jesus, my true love.